GASLIGHTING
We examine one of the most insidious forms of emotional abuse.
Gaslighting has become the modernday abuser’s go-to control tactic. It’s so understated that you find yourself thinking that perhaps you are in the wrong – despite all the evidence to the contrary. In fact, it’s a tactic often used by cult leaders and dictators to make their supporters blindly follow their every command.
The word ‘gaslighting’ comes from the 1938 stage play (Gas Light) and subsequent 1944 film, Gaslight, in which a husband manipulates his new wife (Ingrid Bergman) into thinking she’s gone insane. For a more contemporary version, watch The Girl on the Train (or read the book, for that matter!) Rachel has a drinking problem and is prone to blackouts. And when she comes to, her husband, Tom (now her ex), would tell her about all the horrible, violent things she did while she was drunk. Spoiler: she’s actually not like that at all. Tom has been gaslighting her for years, making her question her sanity and think she’s an awful person who is prone to fits of violence. Meanwhile, he is the abusive one.
In her book, If He’s So Great, Why Do I Feel So Bad?, psychotherapist and writer Avery Neal writes about subtle forms of abuse and how to recognise gaslighting. ‘Never underestimate the lengths an abuser will go to to make you feel crazy,’ she writes. In fact, ‘the crazier an abuser can make you feel, the more power and control he has in the relationship’.
We asked two women to share their stories.