What to do if you are a victim of gaslighting

Although questioning your selfworth goes hand in hand with low self-esteem, depression and anxiety, says Dr Swart, the difference here is that there is another person involved. Here’s how to take action:

1. STOP THE DENIAL

‘The first step is to recognise what the problem is and realise that it isn’t you,’ says Dr Mulder Craig.

2. KEEP A JOURNAL

Sometimes it is easier to see the problem when it’s on paper because there’s no way to deny it. ‘Journal every day and take note of what happened, what they said, how it made you feel and what happened afterwards,’ says Dr Swart. ‘That way you can refer back to it and be able to see a pattern.’

3. SPEAK TO SOMEONE YOU TRUST

‘If you aren’t sure if it’s just you, talk to a friend or family member,’ says Dr Mulder Craig. Dr Swart agrees, adding that they’ll often confirm your suspicions. ‘The whole thing about gaslighting is that you don’t have perspective, so having that validation can be everything,’ says Dr Mulder Craig.

4. GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK

Accept and acknowledge that what you feel is okay. ‘Once you know that whatever you are feeling is real and rational, you need to realise that it’s also okay to feel the way you are feeling, whether it is anxious or depressed,’ says Dr Mulder Craig.

5. GIVE YOURSELF THE OKAY TO WALK AWAY

People often feel they can’t leave a gaslighting relationship because it’s usually someone you care about, like a family member or a best friend. ‘Regardless of who that person is in your life, you need to know that it’s okay to remove yourself from that dysfunctional relationship,’ says Dr Swart.

6. REACH OUT

One of the goals of a gaslighter is to make you feel as if you don’t have anyone else in your life. ‘That’s why it is important to stay connected to your family and friends. Reach out to them, be open and honest, and ask them for support,’ Dr Mulder Craig advises.

7. ASK FOR HELP

Ultimately, see a psychologist or therapist. ‘Sometimes when someone is looking in from the outside they are able to see certain signs that you might miss,’ explains Dr Mulder Craig. ‘If it’s been going on for a long time, it can be really difficult to get out of that situation by yourself.’