TIN FOIL HATS AT THE READY!
The craziest conspiracy theories out there
The Reptilian Elite
As if we need another reason to hate politicians. One of the biggest conspiracy theories of all time is about a shape-shifting lizard race that has ‘infiltrated high policymaking circles through their powers of mind control’. Powerful figures – from Queen Elizabeth and Barack Obama to the Clintons – have all been accused of being reptilian humanoids.
What on earth do lizard people want? World domination, of course. Once they have that, they intend to use their influence to lower the standard of living for human beings. Well – hello!
The lizard elite has been referenced since 1929, most notably in the works of Robert E Howard, author of Conan the Barbarian. Fifty years after his death, his ideas took on a life of their own, and
cults were formed based on a belief in the existence of reptilian people. (Kind of reminds you of another cult based on science fiction, no? *cough* Scientology *cough*) The theory gained popularity again in 1991 when former footballer and prolific reptilian theorist David Icke claimed that the world’s richest families were lizard people.
According to Icke, the reptilians are aliens called the Anunnaki, who set forth from Planet X in search of gold. They found plentiful gold on Earth but needed a lesser species (humans) to enslave and do the dirty work for them. These reptilians now preside over humans and supposedly participate in global conflicts and paedophilia to ensure that the world eventually becomes uninhabitable.
If you’re thinking, ‘Who is going to believe any of this?’, fasten your seatbelt. A 2013 Public Policy Poll revealed that 12 million Americans believe that reptilians run the US government. (To be fair, it would explain a lot.)
Even Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has been accused of being a reptilian. During a Q&A streaming session in 2016, a Facebook user asked Zuckerberg if he was secretly a lizard. Zuckerberg responded: ‘I’m gonna have to go with a “no” on that.’ He is still under suspicion though, along with the likes of Taylor Swift, Madonna and Angelina Jolie.
The most ‘compelling’ story of all was published by Australian news website PerthNow, that claimed that pop sensation Justin Bieber transformed into his lizard form in front of hundreds of witnesses during a concert in 2017. The story alleged that the singer had a ‘black stripe down the middle’ and ‘big, scary claws’. The story was deleted within the hour.
The European Organisation for Nuclear Research (CERN) is one of the most powerful labs in the world – it’s credited with discovering the Higgs boson (the ‘God particle’) and playing a role in the development of the World Wide Web (Tim Berners-Lee was working there at the time). But for some reason, the organisation is viewed as a sinister, shadowy operation. Some have even accused it of being a satanic cult!
The lab’s reputation wasn’t helped by the installation of the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the world’s biggest particle accelerator, which was
The ‘God particle’ collider that opens the portal to hell
instrumental in discovering the ‘God particle’ in 2012. Scientists at CERN built the LHC to determine how the universe works by studying subatomic particles, and how fundamental forces like gravity work the way they do.
Before the LHC was switched on in 2008, some people were convinced it would destroy Earth or create an all-consuming black hole. Some conspiracy theorists even believe that CERN is responsible for natural disasters. Most terrifying of all, some believe the LHC opens portals into different dimensions, including hell.
In 2016, doomsday rumours spiked when a video of a fake ritual killing filmed at CERN near a statue of Shiva (the Hindu god of destruction) went viral, prompting an investigation by the organisation itself. CERN later stated that the video was a prank concocted by a few scientists.
Flat Earthers
Shortly after the first photographs of Earth were taken in 1947, the Flat Earth Society held its first meeting. Members rejected the images and came up with their own view, which completely contradicts the entire scientific community: the Earth is a flat disc with the Arctic in the centre and a 150m wall of ice around its circumference.
According to Flat Earthers, this wall is guarded by NASA employees to prevent people from falling over the edge. They also believe the sun, moon and stars are ‘no further away than New York is from London’, as Matt Weber wrote in a Medium article.
We have all seen photographs of Earth from space – it’s clearly spherical. But what if those photographs are all part of a NASA cover-up? What could they stand to gain? Some conspiracy theorists insist that NASA enforced their ‘round Earth propaganda’ as a way of stifling religious beliefs.
Prominent conspiracy theorist and yoga teacher Eric Dubay said it best: ‘If Earth is just one of billions of planets revolving around billions of stars in billions of galaxies, then the ideas of God, creation and a specific purpose for Earth and
human existence become highly implausible.’
How about the other planets in our solar system? Are they round? A Flat Earther will give you this simple answer: ‘The Earth is not a planet.’ They believe that our planet is at the centre of the solar system, with the sun orbiting Earth.
‘The other planets are simply “lights in the sky”,’ according to Forge Media. But this is a point of contention among Flat Earthers. Some subscribe to the belief that the other planets are also discshaped, while others are certain that since all NASA photographs are fake, the existence of other planets must be too.
The Aids conspiracy
While some conspiracy theories are funny, others are downright dangerous, with real-life consequences.
In 2000, former SA president Thabo Mbeki sent a letter to world leaders expressing his doubt that HIV was the exclusive cause of
Aids and arguing for a consideration of socioeconomic causes.
He invited Aids denialists from the scientific community to join a Presidential Aids Advisory Panel. ‘[He] championed a small group of Aids denialists who believe that HIV is harmless and that Aids symptoms are caused by malnutrition, drug abuse and antiretrovirals [ARVs] themselves,’ wrote Professor Nicoli Nattrass, director of the Aids and Society Research Unit at UCT.
‘The Presidential Aids Advisory Panel served as a means for Mbeki and his health minister to portray Aids science and policy formation as deeply contested, and contestable,’ Prof Nattrass wrote. ‘This provided them with the space to resist the introduction of… ARVs on the grounds that “more research was needed” into their toxicity and effectiveness.’ Health Minister at the time Manto Tshabalala-Msimang enforced this agenda, resisting the introduction of ARVs for mother-to-child transmission prevention as well as highly active antiretroviral therapy (HAART) for people with Aids. She backed down after a Cabinet revolt in 2003, but continued to support unproven alternative therapies.
According to a Harvard study by Pride Chigwedere, the devastation wrought by this denialism manifested in more than 300 000 preventable deaths over this period, and 35 000 HIVinfected babies were born who could have been protected.
Other conspiracies surrounding HIV include stories of the origin of the virus: that it is the result of a collaboration between apartheid SA and Israel, or between Wouter Basson (head of apartheid biological and chemical warfare) and the CIA.
The curious deaths of Gavin Watson and Jeffrey Epstein
Former Bosasa boss Gavin Watson died in a horrific car accident in the early hours of 26 August 2019, near OR Tambo International Airport in Johannesburg.
Watson was a businessman infamous for using his struggle credentials to procure lucrative government contracts. Months before his death, he became the subject of scrutiny at the Zondo Commission of Inquiry into state capture. Former colleague Angelo Agrizzi told the commission that Watson had bribed governmental officials and politicians in exchange for tenders.
Watson’s reputation took another hit when it was alleged he’d made a R500 000 donation to President Cyril Ramaphosa’s election campaign; he was also being investigated by the South African Revenue Service (SARS). Watson was scheduled to testify at an inquiry into his tax affairs the day after his fatal car crash.
The circumstances surrounding his death are ripe for conspiracy. News24 reported that a pathology report revealed Watson was dead before he’d crashed his company car into a concrete pillar. Police officials on the scene found his ID card and driver’s licence, but there was no luggage, passport or cellphone in the Toyota Corolla. It didn’t take long for Twitter sleuths to start speculating, and the hashtag #GavinWatson accompanied wild theories about his death.
‘When you are a billionaire, you can fake your death with the
According to a Harvard study by Pride Chigwedere, the devastation wrought by this denialism manifested in more than 300 000 preventable deaths…
help of high-profile friends running government; leave the country a week before your fake death in a friend’s private jet. New ID, new citizenship and minor plastic surgery – this script should indeed be a movie,’ said one Twitter user.
‘Guys, wait. Did he commit suicide? Is he still alive? This Gavin Watson [guy] is actually [messing up] the whole country right now and it’s not fun any more. Is he even dead?’ asked another.
There was also speculation that
Watson may have been murdered. According to another News24 article, a private pathology report revealed that his body didn’t show any signs of ‘significant trauma’ such as facial injuries or noteworthy bruising. ‘In addition, despite Watson’s neck artery being severed, there reportedly wasn’t enough blood found on the scene to be consistent with such an injury.’
Just two weeks earlier, another strange death had taken place: US financier, rapist and convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein was found dead in his cell, apparently as a result of suicide.
It all seemed a bit fishy: people pointed out that the broken bones in his neck indicated strangulation, and the two guards who were meant to check up on him failed to do so, then proceeded to falsify records. There were some powerful people who may have been implicated in his heinous crimes and who may have wanted to silence him. For good.
The main suspects include US president Donald Trump and former US president Bill Clinton. Because of Epstein’s connection to the two men, people have started questioning whether they may have arranged to have the tarnished financier murdered.
Chemtrails
It’s a bird, it’s a plane – no, it’s the government trying to control the weather. A small but very vocal section of the internet believes that the plumes of water vapour trailing behind aeroplanes in the sky are part of the US government’s covert plan to control the weather, or poison Earth’s inhabitants.
According to an article on How Stuff Works, the theory originated when people started noticing that the contrails expelled from jets are now thicker and longer than usual. Theorists have also compiled anecdotal evidence that links these ‘chemtrails’ to flu epidemics.
While the chemtrails conspiracy theorists have varying claims, the overarching theme is that scientists are researching how to go about fighting climate change through a process of geo-engineering. Other theories state that governments all over the world are spraying people with harmful substances as part of scientific trials, or to ‘weed out’ the sick and elderly.
How Stuff Works investigated these claims by looking at the science, and found that while many studies have proven that contrails are bad for the environment, it’s not for the same reasons given by chemtrail theorists. ‘For one thing, contrails can spread into cirrus clouds. When that happens, the amount of sunlight reaching Earth’s surface is reduced, and can lower temperatures,’ it said.
‘Moreover, studies have shown that contrails also trap heat. NASA scientists found that between 1975 and 1994 there was an average increase in temperature in the US that corresponded with the increase in the amount of contrails. Most studies suggest contrails have a net warming effect on the planet.’
While we should take some of these theories with a pinch of salt, there may be a grain of truth in the midst of the paranoia. So… all hail the Reptilian Elite?