How do you make love stay?
It being Valentine’s month, on page 58 we answer a question that’s been asked through the ages: how do you make love stay?
I don’t think there is only one answer – but in a world where fewer people are choosing marriage or even opting for long-term relationships, is it still even a valid question?
I hope it is. I absolutely believe that one should immediately leave a relationship that’s abusive in any way (see our story on pathological narcissism on page 46 as an example). But I think that in a mutually supportive relationship you will need to push through some not-so-good – maybe just slightly flatter – bits to get to the real reward: a long, deep love that constantly renews itself.
Singer, songwriter, musician, poet and artist Joni Mitchell puts it better than I can:
‘I recently read an article in Esquire magazine called “The End of Sex” that said something that struck me as very true. It said:
“If you want endless repetition, see a lot of different people. If you want infinite variety, stay with one.” What happens when you date is you run all your best moves and tell all your best stories – and, in a way, that routine is a method for falling in love with yourself over and over.
‘You can’t do that with a longtime mate because he knows all that old material. With a long relationship, things die, then are rekindled, and that shared process of rebirth deepens the love. It’s hard work, though, and a lot of people run at the first sign of trouble. You’re with this person, and suddenly you look like an ass to them or they look like an ass to you – it’s unpleasant, but if you can get through it, you get closer and you learn a way of loving that’s different from the neurotic love enshrined in movies. It’s warmer and has more padding to it.’
I couldn’t agree more. But if that’s not what you’re after, you may also consider having that relationship with yourself (see our intriguing story on page 34), or just giving up on all of it and pledging your heart to chocolate instead – always a valid choice, in my view. In which case, our story on page 90 will leave you weak at the knees.
Happy Valentine’s month!
Love, Suzy