...took t ime for myself’

december 2019 was the breaking point for Haroldene Tshienda. The poet and author had been struggling with depression for three years by then. When she turned 40 in 2017, she found out she was pregnant. For most, this would have been a blessing, especially considering that she and her husband, Oliver, had thought they couldn’t have any more children. At the time, she had three kids – Robyn (21), Jade (18) and Eliza (16) – from previous relationships, and they were happy with that.

‘My career had started to take off, but my health had taken a turn and I was diagnosed with asthma.’ Her asthma was so severe that an attack would land her in hospital, and the stress of a high-risk pregnancy at her age weighed on her. ‘Also, my older kids had changed schools and, at a time when I should have been resting, I was sorting them out and trying not to wind up in hospital.’ When her baby, Olivah, was born, they discovered that she’d inherited her mom’s asthma. ‘It was meant to be this amazing time; instead, I became bitter and resentful.’

Haroldene began withdrawing from friends, and stopped taking care of herself. Writing had always been an outlet; but even that no longer had an effect. ‘I didn’t want to die, but I thought about how much easier things would be if I wasn’t here any more,’ she says.

Haroldene recalls being at a shoot in Hout Bay for her book last December when she started crying. ‘Everything felt wrong: the pictures didn’t look right, no one was getting what I was looking for…