Cyber crooks and computer speak

When you own a computer, you have to learn a whole new language, and words you won’t find in your dictionary either.

‘Phishing’ is one of them. This isn’t the kind you do with hook, line and sinker off the rocks. In techno-speak, it’s the activity undertaken by modern-day criminals to relieve the unsuspecting of their hard-earned cash via the Internet. They disguise this digital theft as a message offering you goodies at ridiculously low prices if you simply supply your bank account details and secret PIN. Comply, and you’ll soon discover cash withdrawals you never made!

These criminals, so-called hackers, constantly contrive new ways to rob you. So don’t dare open that attachment telling you that you’ve won the UK lottery! With scant risk of discovery, these hackers hide away in remote locations waiting to pounce on suckers like me. No chance! I’ve got the measure of these computer crooks.

A few days ago, I switched on my computer to surf the web (surf not as in waves; web not as in spiders). Seconds later, a flash of lightning rent the sky and my computer crashed (not as in vehicle accident). The modem fried (not as in eggs) and the chips were burnt (no, not those that come with your hamburger).

Reflecting on my vulnerability to computer hackers and con artists, I was convinced that the weather was conspiring against me too! Neighbour Jan found me in testy mood sipping morning coffee on my stoep. “Why are you looking so glum, Townie?” he asked

“My computer’s been struck by lightning. It’s kaput, on the blink, totalled.”

Jan chuckled, and offered to lend me his ancient Underwood typewriter.

“It needs a new ribbon, Townie. It won’t get you emails or allow you to surf the net. And it doesn’t have a built-in dictionary or spell checker. But on the other hand, it doesn’t catch viruses or suffer from lightning strikes.”

Perhaps I should revert to the stressless age of the typewriter and the ox-driven plough. Life would be so much simpler!

And my old hardcover dictionary would continue to serve me well.