Farmer's Weekly (South Africa)
Snakes alive!
As daytime temperatures rise above 30°C, snake season has arrived with a vengeance. Slithering out of their winter burrows, the reptiles seem to be all over the farm.
My phobia is at fever pitch; I now wear knee-high leggings on walks, much to neighbour Jan’s amusement.
“Snakes feed on frogs and mice, Townie. They’d hardly consider you a meal,” he laughed over morning coffee on my stoep.
“What happens if I’m bitten by a puffadder?” I asked.
“If it was a big one and had injected a lot of venom, you’d better get to a hospital quickly for anti-venom treatment. If you don’t, the flesh around the bite will turn black as necrosis sets in, with the possibility of limb amputation.
“If it was a cobra, with its neurotoxic venom, you might make it to hospital before your heart stops beating.” He said farewell and left, and I sat grimly contemplating his words. Hardly five minutes passed before I heard the dogs barking in Wifey Dear’s studio.
Rushing to investigate,
I saw her standing rigid, pointing at a huge, coiled puffadder surrounded by the frantic dogs.
She leapt onto a chair, and I called off the dogs, ran for my .410 bore shotgun, took aim and fired. Birdshot ricocheted around the room, pellets shattering the windowpanes. Miraculously missing us, they decapitated the snake, leaving a gory mess.
“Idiot!” shouted Wifey Dear. “You could have killed us. Go and clean up the mess!”
Saving her from serious harm was apparently far from her mind. I expect she was in a state of shock, just like me.
On hearing the shot,
Jan came running. “You’re lucky it wasn’t a cobra, Townie. They’re much quicker and far deadlier! I suggest you keep all doors to the outside closed in future.”
Like flu, snake phobia is contagious. Wifey Dear has now succumbed to the affliction! The producers of the TV programme Snakes in the City should be invited to make a sequel here on our farm. They’d have more material than they could ever broadcast! – Derek Christopher • Email Derek Christopher at farmersweekly@caxton.co.za. Subject line: Townie.