Advice to aspiring farmers

After 16 years on the farm, it’s time to reflect on what I’ve learnt as a townie. So here goes.

Sheep come in two varieties. Those with black heads are called Dorpers, and are for eating. Those without black heads are called Merinos, and you shear these for their wool. The males are called rams and the females ewes. Ewes can have twins but often discard one lamb. This can then become a hanslammer

(a lamb reared by hand). To ensure it survives, you have to feed it from a bottle with a teat. Eventually, it thinks you are its mother and follows you around everywhere.

Cattle with hanging bits are called bulls. They’re aggressive and will chase and butt you. Those with balloon-like appendages with long nipples are cows. They supply you and their calves with milk. Fiercely protective of their babies, they will attack you if they suspect you’ll hurt them.

Both sexes feed on grass and lucerne, which is watered from the dam. If it doesn’t rain for a long time, the dam dries up, and you have to sell your animals to the feedlots for a pittance to survive.

In a drought, your water tanks dry out before the dam does. So, if there is still water in the dam, you have to wash in it. When this runs out, you have to use plenty of deodorant.

You are guaranteed that fires will occur on the weekend; this is when your staff are away and you have no one to help you.

Drive a battered bakkie. A new one is a sure sign of affluence, which is to be discouraged. Dress scruffily; you’re not at a fashion show!

Be nice to neighbours, but not overly so towards their wives and daughters, or you’ll be branded a dirty old man and never recover from the stigma.

Finally, make sure you have a neighbour Jan next door to mentor, guide, encourage, educate and inform you, or you won’t have a chance of surviving rural life.

Thank you neighbour Jan! Another tot of Klippies?

– Derek Christopher

• Email Derek Christopher at farmersweekly@caxton.co.za. Subject line: Townie.