Another Christmas under our belts

Christmas will no doubt again bring with it hordes of our city friends, who will eat us out of everything in our pantry and freezers, and drink our booze stocks dry. I’ll make sure, however, that Turkey Maud survives another year. I don’t have it in me to give her the chop; we’ve had her since she was an egg and she has become a good friend over the years.

When the time comes for our guests to finally return to the big city to carry on partying on New Year’s Eve, I can’t help but wonder what they might find. Will they need to get their insurers in to assess their burgled homes? How long will they wait before they tackle their overgrown lawns and algaeinfested pools? They’ll first have to collect their pets from the kennels, though.

Wifey Dear and I will simply return to our tranquil life in the sticks!

There will be a brief interruption to this tranquillity, thanks to Neighbour Jan’s New Year’s Eve party, to which he has invited everyone in the district to show off his new hi-fi system! Heaven help us.

“There’s one condition, Townie. It’s fancy dress,” he told me.

I might as well ruin the surprise now: I’m going dressed as Sherlock Holmes in my deerstalker as an excuse to smoke my pipe, and Wifey Dear will be hamming it up as a chambermaid.

Jan will probably dress as a disc jockey to complement his new sound system.

If past experience is anything to go by, the night will end with me collapsing into bed in the early hours, next to Wifey Dear, only to be awakened at noon by Jan, armed with a six-pack to wish us a Happy New Year.

For a geriatric, he certainly has staying power! – Derek Christopher • Email Derek Christopher at farmersweekly@caxton.co.za. Subject line: Townie.