THE BULL BELLOWED

The music was so good that food became an afterthought and, equally fortunate, we went out the night before that video of Gigaba surfaced

It’s a good thing that it was on Friday night that I took my wife out to dinner, and not on Sunday as is the norm. Had we gone on Sunday my appetite would probably have been compromised, consumed as I would have been by that tape showing home affairs minister Malusi Gigaba doing some things “of a sexual nature”.

As fate would have it, on Friday evening my wife and I found ourselves at Orbit Jazz Club & Bistro in Braamfontein. The intention was to enjoy a splendid meal with music in the background. Things turned out the other way around: we were so overwhelmed by the music of pianist Afrika Mkhize and his band that food became an afterthought. Which was just as well because the food was nothing to write home about. But I shall attempt to inform you, nonetheless, dear reader.

First of all, they gave us the Malusi Gigaba table which, in other words, could be classified as somewhat revolting. We were seated behind the pianist, no view of the band whatsoever, and the waiters could not see us.

The oxtail my wife ordered looked and smelt delectable, so I reached out and helped myself. The gravy was divine but when I got to the meat I think I heard the ox bellowing, complaining that its tail had just been chopped off and dunked into a pot of gravy. That’s how tough the meat was. It was evidently an angry ox that we ate, or tried to consume, at any rate.

Fortunately the vegetables — fresh, crunchy and exquisitely spiced — made up for the sins of whoever did that injustice to the meat. The pork belly I ordered, it has to be said, was equally disappointing. Again, however, the veggies that accompanied it were great. But I was so hungry I wolfed everything down regardless.

For a moment I toyed with the idea of ordering a sirloin steak, because I was still hungry, and with steak you can’t often go too wrong. But good manners prevailed. So I ordered another Amstel instead. My wife ordered a virgin mojito, her second drink for the night.

Durban-born Zulu that I am, I simply had to partake of my wife’s exoticsounding beverage. Where I come from we adore virgins — just ask Jacob Zuma and Mbongeni Ngema.

Imagine my shock then when I discovered that by the term, they really meant an overpriced orange squash-ish drink with lots of ice and no alcohol. Imagine that in your mouth. Eeuwww!

But at least Mkhize was cooking. His huge ensemble, which featured such jazz luminaries as Sydney Mnisi on tenor saxophone and Salim Washington on flute and other woodwind took my mind away from the robbery that we had just been subjected to.

In the end, for the culinary ordeal and our beverages we had to part with R600 — oxtail at R195 and pork belly at R145. Then there was more jazz. For the food I would rate my outing at a less than flattering two stars, but the jazz deserved a four or even a five.

When I spotted my good friend Danyela Demir across the floor, I excused myself from my wife and joined her. From where she was standing, right at the bar, she had a good view of the band. So, I stayed there for the rest of the evening.

When I rejoined the civilised world the following day, tongues were wagging about minister Gigabite. Imagine if this was in your mouth.

Orbit Jazz Club & Bistro ★★★★

81 De Korte St, Braamfontein Tel: 011-339-6645

★★★★★ Lindiwe Sisulu

★★★★ Cyril Ramaphosa

★★★ Mmusi Maimane

★★ Malusi Gigaba

★ VBS Bank

The following day, tongues were wagging about minister Gigabite