CHRIS’s ‘DEAR ROB ...’ TO NEPO BABY HERSOV

The pomposity of Rob Hersov’s open letter to DA leader John Steenhuisen suggests a man both unmoored from the realities of governance and in thrall to himself

Good grief. I’ve just read an “open letter” to DA leader John Steenhuisen by bargain basement Richard Branson and wannabe Machiavelli Rob “the billionaire” Hersov.

At first, I thought this was a finely honed piece of deliberate satire, then I noticed it was on the increasingly conspiracy-deranged “news” website Biznews, and so automatically qualified as unwittingly self-satirising.

Seriously, how entitled is this idiot? The open letter, clumsily headlined “Hersov’s ‘Dear John ...’ to Re-elected DA Leader (As Rob Heads for the Door)”, is a masterpiece of narcissistic nonsense. Hersov seems to believe that he is some sort of Casanova of the electorate, bestowing his largesse on his political favourites like a nabob of nuttiness.

I shudder to imagine why he thinks this, but can only assume it’s because he has mistaken the avarice of politicians for adulation. And then, as is the wont of people who conflate their wallets with wisdom, makes the elementary error of confusing sycophancy with wisdom.

Hersov explains, at the start, his motivation for writing his letter. “The reason for my Dear John letter is that I am close to leaving the DA for another party and, as you will immediately ask me why and for whom, I might as well tell you upfront,” he writes, going on to name Build One South Africa (Bosa) and the Freedom Front Plus (FF+). “But as I have loved the DA for so long, I will give you one last chance.”

Let me remind you that “Dear John letter” is the term given to break-up letters sent by wives or girlfriends to US servicemen in World War 2. According to Time magazine, the term debuted in an October 1943 New York Times magazine story by one Milton Bracker, a journalist stationed in

North Africa.

Bracker describes what such a letter could look like. “Dear John: I don’t know quite how to begin but I just want to say that Joe Doakes came to town on furlough the other night and he looked very handsome in his uniform, so when he asked me for a date ...”

And in his break-up letter to John Steenhuisen, Hersov makes sure to mention the strapping lads to whom he has lost his heart.

“Why would I faithfully leave the party I have (often in a maverick way, upsetting the snowflake DA lefties) defended and supported all my voting life? Well, let me tell you first about my flirting with ‘others’.” He then lauds FF+ chief whip Corné Mulder —“the most authentic, experienced, and competent parliamentarian and Bosa’s Mmusi Maimane.

Oh, the heartbreak!

One of the other characteristics of Dear John letters, we are told, was that “women composed brush-off notes in a variety of registers, ranging from the naively clueless to the calculatedly cruel, but invariably beholden to cliché”.

Hersov ticks all these boxes in his letter. The most egregious cliché, of

course, is his formulation of himself as a “maverick” who upsets the snowflakes.

Oh Rob. You’re not a maverick, you’re a nepo baby. You threw a birthday party and everyone came. And that included, among others, Christo Wiese, Maimane, Gareth Cliff, Gayton McKenzie and assorted B-grade Russian oligarchs. That’s not the act of a maverick, it’s a cry for help.

One of your Russian oligarch buddies even conned the department of home affairs into giving bogus political asylum to a Russian/Lithuanian actress who’d entered the country without a visa so she could dance the night away with your guests. You’re a supporter of Cape independence, for goodness sake! That’s not being a maverick, that’s being a nepo baby who wants to run inside with his football so nobody else can play with it.

The uncanny thing about Hersov’s entire letter is that none of it ever mentions the actual policies of the various parties involved, but instead waffles on about how good or not the people he lists are at being “leaders”, where leader is presumably defined as “an arsehole who can randomly make decisions without actually thinking about who they might affect besides himself, and will come to my party”. Or entrepreneur, as Hersov probably knows it.

According to Hersov, “Mmusi [Maimane] has massive potential, and his ideas are correct, but there seems to be little action and no traction and, like others, he will struggle to raise money. He also urgently needs a ruthless political operator as his COO/strategist (in my romantic dream scenario, he and Helen [Zille] would makeup up [sic] and team up). Mmusi needs a stronger team to raise serious money.”

His idea of a political dream team is cartoon Macbeth and Lady Macbeth.

And here is our great political strategist on ActionSA. “What about ActionSA, you may now ask? [Nobody asked, Rob.] Well, they are my greatest disappointment of all. I rate Herman [Mashaba] highly, and he is my most obvious choice for President should the rainbow coalition win, but ActionSA has stalled and is even fading ... ActionSA doesn’t have enough money (this I know) to be messing about where they cannot make a difference.”

Again with the money. In Hersov’s world, that is what counts. That is all that counts how rich a party is, not, say, its appalling dalliance with xenophobia. And what’s with the parenthesis “this I know”? Are you hinting you have access to ActionSA’s accounts, or that you’re some kind of dancing money whisperer who can sense balance sheets?

And here is Hersov’s paean to McKenzie, the Patriotic Alliance (PA) “leader” who tweeted this about “illegal foreigners” in South Africa: “These cowards should go home and go scream at their respective presidents. We will fight our own battles, watch, shut up, learn and leave immediately.”

Apparently, McKenzie and Hersov are on the same maverick team.

“Gayton is the most interesting potential partner for the good guys ... G-Mac is deeply read in philosophy and economics (and poetry) and, like me, believes in community and not central control, is fiercely anti-communist, and is a capitalist with a social conscience. He is a church-going Christian.”

“G-Mac”! Ooh, that is lank maverick. “And finally” (if only) in this litany of parties that our Dear John writer would rather screw (sorry, “get into bed with”) than the DA, we have the one political party that perhaps most wants to destroy the constitution on which our democracy is built.

According to the man who puts the McDonald’s into Machiavelli, the “ACDP is an excellent and decent group, but I worry they are not motivated to grow. A positive and reliable partner, nonetheless.”

Good Lord, Rob, the ACDP is a group of religious fanatics who want to destroy everything positive about our country!

Get a grip! Just because politicians are willing to obediently lap it up when you order a round in a bar doesn’t make them worthy of wielding political power in South Africa.

But all this is mere frippery. The real question is, why does an itinerant businessman think he deserves to be considered important by political parties? Besides the whole money can buy love thing, of course.

“So why am I falling out of love with the DA and considering leaving this longterm romance?” Hersov asks rhetorically. “My about-to-fall-out-of-love has happened because I have realised the DA has a very provincial view and sorely lacks a strategic perspective. It is stunted. It does not behave in a statesmanlike way. It is intellectually shallow. And the current DA feels lazy to me. For example, the DA stupidly attacks the VF+ [FF+] for no intelligent reason. And, worse, this DA completely rejects Gayton and the PA to the detriment of losing numerous cities and municipalities to the ruinous ANC.” Oh no! They snubbed G-Mac!

So this is Hersov’s ultimatum, because apparently political parties need to base their policies on keeping rich dudes happy. “This is my last chance offer,” Rob says threateningly. “The DA must commit to bringing together the smaller parties (ActionSA, VF+, PA, etc) into a ‘rainbow coalition’ that we desperately need and would welcome. And I know all these smaller parties would join with open arms ... A rainbow coalition, anchored by a self-confident team playing DA and made up of the DA, ActionSA, VF+, Inkatha [the IFP], PA, Bosa and ACDP, can win back South Africa in 2024. And you will win me back, heart and soul. John, do the math. And then call me, please.”

What math? Are we totalling up profits again, or are we just randomly adding up percentages of votes as if they are all units of production for that big democracy startup for which Hersov imagines he is an angel investor and behind-the-scenes CEO?

And after signing off in faux chummy fashion as “Rob”, there’s a postscript.

“To prove you can do this for me, I want you to go to Barrydale with Gayton, stand next to one another, and you must openly praise the PA. You and Gayton can then start ejecting those kleptocrats and kleptocrats of the ANC [that’s a lot of kleptocrats] from the Western Cape (and next the Northern Cape, and then the rest of South Africa) together, forever. Then do the same with Herman in Gauteng, etc.”

The sheer entitled arrogance of this nepo narcissist. The fact that you can randomly spray money around like an incontinent golden retriever doesn’t entitle you to imagine you’re a kingmaker and political theorist. Your “breakup” with the DA, which also serves as foreplay for the next party you’re going to pay to tongue your proffered orifice, is exactly the cliché of “It’s not about you, it’s about me.”

This Dear John letter is all about you, Rob, and it has nothing to do with the wellbeing of our democracy.