Snakes alive, could’ve died
Remember the clip in a Leon Schuster movie in which taxi passengers bundle out when discovering a live snake in a suitcase? Well, the thought struck me when travelling in a local tour bus between Cape Town and the Garden Route.
We had just left the Mother City when the driver, Phillip, informs us he is picking up a passenger off the normal route. "A special lady, you'll see," he explains, not noting our questioning frown at being told the trip could take longer. Already weary after spending gruelling hours on a plane built for sardines, an extended bus trip is clearly undesired.
We needn't have worried. The detour is short and the "special lady" proves just that. It transpires she's a tour guide and, true to form, has the gift of the gab. Her sense of humour knows no bounds and has us in hysterics - even the driver can't contain his laughter, intermittently ending in a paroxysm of choking. An hilarious session making us forget the jet lag. Until the Schuster incident, that is.
Out of the blue, she throws out the line. "I have a boomslang with me". Suddenly my throat constricts, my grip on my Heidi's hands tightens and I break out in a cold sweat.
Snakes have always had that effect on me, ever since older brat brought home a huge serpent from school for a biological experiment as part of the curriculum - and placed it in the fridge without our knowledge. It was I who discovered the curled-up specimen in the dead of night when sneaking a glass of milk. The puddle left on the floor told the story.
Unaware of the nightmare taking place behind her back, she goes on, "Fortunately the species can't bite, only nibble earlobes and noses". I instinctively cover my ears and sink my nose into my jersey. Heidi's arm around my shoulder is meant to settle my nerves, but it feels more like the slimy body of a coiling snake.
I manage to croak, "Where is it?"
She laughs out loud. "Boompie hides in the ceiling rafters at home. He's been there for some months".
She has had snake experts to catch the visitor, but it manages to escape each time. "But I've got used to the idea. And he's a good deterrent against robberies. The word snake does wonders".
Don't I know it.
That night I dream of a lady snake charmer called Ella.