Parliament awakes to a new dawn

The opposition has ousted the ANC in a landslide election, drastically changing the face of Parliament.

Check out the first session with the Speaker opening the proceedings televised on Avbob’s eNCA.

“I am Priscilla Plaatjes (I’m a coloured person - check my ID). Welcome. I won’t bore you with names of the higher ups who are attending. You know who they are. For starters, let’s do some housekeeping.

All you parliamentarians, whether in the cabinet, ordinary MPs on front or back benches, and members of the opposition, will be known and addressed by your first names. You will not be prefixed with the dated ‘honourable’, which is an oxymoron, given the reputation of politicians.

There will also be no ‘on a point of order’. Something to say, or ask a question? Simply put up your hand, and if I like your face or attitude, I’ll allow you the floor - for 60 seconds. Oh, and please don’t address me as Madam Speaker. I’m not known to be a Madam (I can assure you I don’t run a house of ill repute. Maybe I should’ve - I’ll certainly earn more than I do now). Just call me Cilla”.

The house erupts in a paroxysm of laughter.

“OK, bedaar, my gabbas. Let’s get on with the show, sorry, session. Now for the serious stuff.

“Cabinet ministers will at every parliamentary session, report back on what they have, or have not accomplished. No more committees to consider the goings-on of the ministers. Too often these somnolent cliques stall, and by the time the issue reaches parliament, it’s too late to do anything about it. This parliament will do the job. Finish and klaar.”

From former president Ramaphosa, now seated on the ANC’s back benches, “Sweet Cilla, is the DA considering the nationalisation of the Reserve Bank?”

“In your dreams, Cyril,” retorts Minister of Finance Gerrit Pretorius. “Join the EFF, you sound like Juju”.

“Speaking of whom, there will be no fisticuffs or bottle throwing. Skobbejakke will be accompanied by security to the in-house gym, there to take out their frustrations on treadmills in an hour’s session. If they comply, they’ll be allowed back in. If not, they are banned for two sessions”.

Julius has his hand up. “Hey, Cilla with the ID, what say an oke dies on the treadmill? What happens then?”

“Easy. Make sure your members have funeral cover with Avbob.”

I wake up with a start, feeling elated.