NOTES ON A MUGGING
HE WAS WAITING IN AMBUSH, INTENT ON DOING ME GRIEVOUS HARM IF I DIDN’T COMPLY. BUT I WAS BIGGER, FIERCER, COULD HANDLE MYSELF IN THESE SITUATIONS. OR SO I THOUGHT
The same brute had mugged my wife and sister-in-law when they were weekending in Rooi Els. The sisters were walking back to the holiday house after picking up coffee and pastries from the local cafe.
He emerged from the bush about 50 metres ahead and ran straight at them. They had little time to think. Running away was out of the question – he was much faster – best to stand their ground and throw something. A steaming hot latté exploded on his head, but he kept coming without missing a beat. The only thing to do was to hand over the goods. So they threw the bag of pastries down and cowered as he scooped it up, making off with four buttery croissants and a sugar doughnut laced with jam.
I laughed when they first told me the story of this brazen male baboon. Being a primitive brute, I surmised that he regarded women as inferior and easy to intimidate. Facing a male he wouldnʼt be so bold. It turned out the only primitive thinking was mine.
A few weeks after their encounter, I stopped at Rooi Els on my way to Walker Bay for an assignment. I walked into the cafe and bought my favourite road trip snack: a bag of Doritos (the blue one) and a strawberry flavoured aQuelle. It appears it was also someone elseʼs favourite. As I left the café, he was there on the parapet just opposite the door. I knew why he was there, saw the menace in his eyes and felt a twinge of intimidation. He was bigger than I imagined but he wasnʼt getting my Doritos. Confident in my ability to unnerve such an opponent, I made myself big by throwing up arms and barked at him loudly: ʻBwaHOO!ʼ
For a second, he didnʼt budge. Then he bared his large canines, stood to his full height, leapt to the ground and lunged at me. Whimpering like a twoyear-old, I reeled back and tossed the snacks at his feet. He promptly scooped up my Doritos, glared at me menacingly and made off around the corner with the delicious corn snack while my bottle of soda spun on the ground, spewing fizzy water.
Snackless and feeling rather pathetic, I made my way to my car only realising then that I had an audience. Three women had watched the whole thing from the parking lot. Their smirks made me blush. The other part of my embarrassment was that Iʼd inadvertently fed this creature an unhealthy meal.
The lesson? Donʼt make assumptions about animal behaviour, or your own, boyo. And eat healthier snacks while road tripping, not just for your own sake but for that of any muggers who happen by.