You. Your best friend. Total honesty. What could go wrong?
Forget shopping or the bar – to strengthen your friendships, it’s time to meet on the therapist’s couch.
there’s a new breed of relationship counselling on the rise: fixing friendships. Because, let’s face it, close friendships can be our most complicated connections. “Friendships experience the majority of difficulties romantic relationships face, such as conflict and communication issues, and if we avoid confrontation at all costs, resentment can build up, whether consciously or not,” says behavioural psychologist and relationship coach Jo Hemmings. “And so, more and more women are seeking outside help to work out issues between them.”
Curious (of course), we sent Victoria, 31, and her friend Carly, 30, to give friendship therapy a go. Over 20 years, they’ve shared festival tents, regrettable outfits, incredible births and heartbreaking deaths, and now they feel they’re drifting apart. Can they get back together? Listen in.
“Are we using each other?”
Victoria We go through phases of being incredibly close and then very distant, depending on what’s going on in our lives. We usually pull it back, but I feel like we’re short-changing each other in the meantime. It makes me feel used, and that I’m using Carly. Carly For me, we’re closest when things are going wrong elsewhere. We’ve both been through rough times recently – Vic’s gone through a breakup and I suddenly lost my mom last year. I can lean on Vic, but it makes me think, ‘Why can’t we always be so close, even when our lives are great?’ V Carly is my confidante, which is amazing, but when we drift apart it feels like we’re demeaning the part we can play in each other’s lives. Jo The thing about friendships, more so than romantic relationships, is that they often fracture when other people pop into the picture. It could be a new boyfriend or even a new friend, but it inevitably means you might not see each other as much as you did during other periods. C So it’s about finding a middle ground, instead of going between the two extremes of quick Whatsapp messages every few weeks and emailing all day long. But I don’t think it’s demeaning, Vic, and it’s so sad you feel that way. I don’t feel shortchanged. We’re there for each other when it counts, and that’s better than being fair-weather friends. V I’ve never thought about it that way. I’ve been cynical and felt the close times were us being ‘good friends’, and anything less wasn’t enough. J I think you’re being too hard on yourself. When you are content in most aspects of your life, you simply don’t have that level of anxiety to share. It’s healthy, and positive, to dip in and out when you both need each other.
“I don’t feel like your number one any more”
V It might sound stupid, but I feel overlooked at times. I rarely feel first on her list when it comes to fun stuff. Halfway through a night out together, Carly might invite someone more fun to join us. I find it embarrassing, but I’d never say anything because it makes me seem immature. J What you’re describing is a selfesteem issue; you’re feeling edged out. But I’d wager it isn’t coming from Carly as a conscious choice. Do you ever think, ‘I want to do this, and I’m going to do it with a more exciting person than Victoria?’ C That would never come to mind. Vic, you’re thinking the worst of yourself, which you do all the time. J Do you experience those same insecurities, Carly? C That kind of thing might upset me if I thought about it enough, but I don’t let myself. It’s a coping strategy I’ve developed since I lost my mom – I can’t get bogged down by small stuff. V It won’t help that I’m not pushy when it comes to making plans or letting Carly know I’m feeling out of the loop. It’s something I struggle with. I’ve been brought up to be overly conscious of being a nuisance. My family doesn’t cross boundaries. C But we have other friends who definitely don’t have that problem. They’re high maintenance, so I probably do put them first to make my life easier. Vic doesn’t complain if I cancel on her, but other friends would, although I now know that it gets to her just as much – she just doesn’t voice it. V I wish I was more pushy. When Carly lost her mom, it didn’t come
“You can be too honest, you know”
naturally to invite myself to stay over or to call every day, even though I thought of her constantly. But I hate that she might think I don’t care as much. J It sounds like the fear of getting it wrong is stronger than the desire to make yourself heard, Victoria. It’s a type of people-pleasing, just as it sounds like you spread yourself too thin, Carly. You’ve both learnt different strategies to make yourselves liked, but because they aren’t the same, you don’t see the good intentions behind each other’s actions. C Vic’s got a rep for tough love. She doesn’t suffer fools, and can be quite blunt when I ask for advice. J Does tough love work for you, Carly? C Sometimes. But it can be too tough. V I thought I knew how far to push it. C It helps to get a different perspective, but sometimes it hurts. For example, I tend to stay friends with the mothers of my exes, but Vic doesn’t get it, and I feel that she’s too busy judging to let me explain. V That sounds terrible. But you’re right. I am judging and, no, I don’t get it. Those women are only in your life because of that ex, so if he isn’t around, why keep the mom? I get it if there are kids involved, but otherwise it’s just asking for trouble. J Trouble? V I think Carly would get over breakups faster if she didn’t stay in contact with them. She praised me for doing well through my recent breakup, but that was because I made practical decisions. C And I let you. So you need to let me make my decisions. Perhaps you wouldn’t do it yourself, but it’s your job to support me, otherwise I’ll keep things from you. J This is an example of having Carly’s best interests at heart, but not really showing empathy. To be truly empathic, you need to see the world through their eyes, not their circumstances through your own. It’ll give you insight into why Carly acts as she does, whether you agree or not. V I thought I was naturally empathetic, but maybe I’m not that good at putting myself in other people’s shoes. I can’t promise not to give tough love at all, but I will definitely try to listen and understand more.