“Know when to DTMFA”

A few years into doing my advice column (which later inspired my podcast), I came up with the acronym DTMFA, for ‘Dump the man already’, because half of the questions I got were from people who needed to breakup and were hesitating to do just that. Listeners always know when a DTMFA response is coming, but the callers are somehow blind to what the rest of us clearly see: the guy has got to go.

There’s a ton of cultural garbage making us feel like we can’t or shouldn’t end a relationship. So people hold on tight to partners they should leave. I can’t say if you’ve gone DTMFA-blind (everything is case specific), but these reality checks might help you figure it out for yourself:

First, realise that you can’t fix someone

Our culture tells women that men are little broken-winged birds and love can heal them, so women often take on the role of caretaker to make a relationship work. But your vagina isn’t chemo – you won’t cure him. Stop trying, and get out.

If it’s bad, it’ll only get worse

Some people present their best self when they first start dating, and the horns and tail only appear six or so months in. Things rarely go the other way, so don’t stick around. They won’t get better – especially when it comes to controlling or abusive behaviour.

They don’t have to be a total monster to be dumped

We have it in our heads that someone has to be awful in every respect to justify dumping them. But terrible partners usually have other qualities that bamboozle us into dating them in the first place. The 20% of the time they’re good doesn’t redeem the 80% they’re bad. That said, don’t end a relationship just because your partner’s not perfect. The One doesn’t exist, but if you’re lucky, you’ll meet a 0.67 you can round up to one.

Sexual compatibility is vital

These are the sad DTMFAS, where the dumpee isn’t a bad guy, but it’s just not working sexually. It has to (at least if you’re sexually exclusive) otherwise frustration grows, and eventually you’ll sabotage the relationship by getting the sex you need elsewhere. Our sex-negative culture says prioritising sex makes you perverted, but it actually just means you’re rational.

It’s funny; even after I tell someone to DTMFA, it’s usually around two years later when I get a letter saying, “I should’ve listened when you said DTMFA, but I finally did it.” Still, I haven’t gotten tired of saying DTMFA yet. Apparently, it needs to be said.

“Your vagina isn’t chemo – you won’t cure him.”

Dan is an advice giver who takes all kinds of sex and relationships questions on Savage Lovecast (savagelovecast.com).