“Honey, don’t date like this!”

Snap out those reading glasses, pop in those contacts, or if your eyes are perfectly fine, keep doing what you’re doing, because it’s time for some reading, literally and metaphorically. We, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, are here to air some of our dating grievances in the form of some ‘I Don’t Think So, Honey!’, a segment on our show in which we take one minute to rail against something in pop culture that’s really getting at us.

Suggesting a movie as a first date

You don’t know what movies I like! Maybe you like horror, but I’m not about to throw myself into your arms. More like my flying limbs will become violent projectiles because I literally can’t handle jump scares, and you’re only finding this out now because you didn’t use this time to talk to me. Forget horror – no movies at all. I can see the new Conjuring later.

People who straight-up lie on dating apps

Don’t tell me your name is actually Lamar and ‘Anthony’ is an alias you use. Are you in witness protection? In a Googleable world, what is your endgame here? Go option your life rights to a truecrime documentarian instead of wasting my time and money on this expensive cocktail.

People who take me to a restaurant and think it’s going to impress me that they know the whole staff and the manager, Vince, by his first name

I’m not here to meet Vince, and it’s weird the whole staff knows I’m on a date. Also, why exactly are you at this spot so much? Do you bring a lot of dates here? A lot of one-and-dones? How presumptuous. You don’t know if I’m into you yet.

People who haven’t figured out conversation is a two-way street

Let’s review: I say something. Then you respond. And then I respond to that. And so forth. This, friends, is a conversation. Not this nonsense where I say what I do and you say, “Cool,” and take a long sip of beer. Say what you do. I’m here because I want to talk to another human. If I wanted to stay home and have a conversation with myself, I would’ve done that.

Bringing me to a loud bar

I’m sorry, what was that? I couldn’t hear you because of the shrieking throng surrounding us. I can’t tell if your mom lives in Vereeniging or Vietnam, and that’s important for me to know if we end up getting married. And if we do, based on this situation, I’m not letting you book the venue. You’re subjecting my eardrums to attack, and it just isn’t acceptable!

Dates who go to the bathroom at the same time I do

To same-sex daters: being in a restaurant bathroom together isn’t an experience I want to share yet because, you know, certain things can happen, and I don’t want to hear your farts through the stalls! And hetero couples: if you’re both going, who’s watching the bags and drinks? Can you just wait the minute it takes someone to go to the loo? Work with me here.

Showing me videos on your phone mid-date

Stopping conversation to show me a funny clip you just remembered? Why? I’d rather die than wait for it to load or watch an ad, and I guarantee, if it is worth watching, I’ve already seen it, so you’re running a risk of showing your basicness if this isn’t a gem. If what I’m about to watch is that lady stomping on grapes in a barrel and falling, I’m out.

People who don’t prepare for a booty call

We get it can be spur- ofthe-moment, but there’s still some essential – no, necessary – hookup prep. You’d better be clean as a whistle with a mouth so sterile any dental hygienist would be worried for their job. And if you’re coming from the gym? Unless you tripped into a tub of hand sanitiser, don’t bother.

“If I wanted to stay home and have a conversation with myself, I would’ve done that.”

On Las Culturistas (foreverdogproductions.com), Matt and Bowen get into all things pop culture and give guidelines for aspiring culturistas.