“Honey, don’t date like this!”

Glamour (South Africa) - - Relationships / Love advice -

Snap out those read­ing glasses, pop in those con­tacts, or if your eyes are per­fectly fine, keep do­ing what you’re do­ing, be­cause it’s time for some read­ing, lit­er­ally and metaphor­i­cally. We, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, are here to air some of our dat­ing griev­ances in the form of some ‘I Don’t Think So, Honey!’, a seg­ment on our show in which we take one minute to rail against some­thing in pop cul­ture that’s re­ally get­ting at us.

Sug­gest­ing a movie as a first date

You don’t know what movies I like! Maybe you like hor­ror, but I’m not about to throw my­self into your arms. More like my fly­ing limbs will be­come vi­o­lent pro­jec­tiles be­cause I lit­er­ally can’t han­dle jump scares, and you’re only find­ing this out now be­cause you didn’t use this time to talk to me. For­get hor­ror – no movies at all. I can see the new Con­jur­ing later.

Peo­ple who straight-up lie on dat­ing apps

Don’t tell me your name is ac­tu­ally La­mar and ‘An­thony’ is an alias you use. Are you in wit­ness pro­tec­tion? In a Googleable world, what is your endgame here? Go op­tion your life rights to a true­crime doc­u­men­tar­ian in­stead of wast­ing my time and money on this ex­pen­sive cock­tail.

Peo­ple who take me to a restau­rant and think it’s go­ing to im­press me that they know the whole staff and the man­ager, Vince, by his first name

I’m not here to meet Vince, and it’s weird the whole staff knows I’m on a date. Also, why ex­actly are you at this spot so much? Do you bring a lot of dates here? A lot of one-and-dones? How pre­sump­tu­ous. You don’t know if I’m into you yet.

Peo­ple who haven’t fig­ured out con­ver­sa­tion is a two-way street

Let’s re­view: I say some­thing. Then you re­spond. And then I re­spond to that. And so forth. This, friends, is a con­ver­sa­tion. Not this non­sense where I say what I do and you say, “Cool,” and take a long sip of beer. Say what you do. I’m here be­cause I want to talk to an­other hu­man. If I wanted to stay home and have a con­ver­sa­tion with my­self, I would’ve done that.

Bring­ing me to a loud bar

I’m sorry, what was that? I couldn’t hear you be­cause of the shriek­ing throng sur­round­ing us. I can’t tell if your mom lives in Vereenig­ing or Viet­nam, and that’s im­por­tant for me to know if we end up get­ting mar­ried. And if we do, based on this sit­u­a­tion, I’m not let­ting you book the venue. You’re sub­ject­ing my eardrums to at­tack, and it just isn’t ac­cept­able!

Dates who go to the bath­room at the same time I do

To same-sex daters: be­ing in a restau­rant bath­room to­gether isn’t an ex­pe­ri­ence I want to share yet be­cause, you know, cer­tain things can hap­pen, and I don’t want to hear your farts through the stalls! And het­ero cou­ples: if you’re both go­ing, who’s watch­ing the bags and drinks? Can you just wait the minute it takes some­one to go to the loo? Work with me here.

Show­ing me videos on your phone mid-date

Stop­ping con­ver­sa­tion to show me a funny clip you just re­mem­bered? Why? I’d rather die than wait for it to load or watch an ad, and I guar­an­tee, if it is worth watch­ing, I’ve al­ready seen it, so you’re run­ning a risk of show­ing your ba­sic­ness if this isn’t a gem. If what I’m about to watch is that lady stomp­ing on grapes in a bar­rel and fall­ing, I’m out.

Peo­ple who don’t pre­pare for a booty call

We get it can be spur- ofthe-mo­ment, but there’s still some es­sen­tial – no, nec­es­sary – hookup prep. You’d bet­ter be clean as a whis­tle with a mouth so ster­ile any den­tal hy­gien­ist would be wor­ried for their job. And if you’re com­ing from the gym? Un­less you tripped into a tub of hand sani­tiser, don’t bother.

“If I wanted to stay home and have a con­ver­sa­tion with my­self, I would’ve done that.”

On Las Cul­tur­is­tas (forever­dog­pro­duc­tions.com), Matt and Bowen get into all things pop cul­ture and give guide­lines for aspir­ing cul­tur­is­tas.

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