“Discuss the hard stuff”

Difficult conversations in which you don’t hold back are necessary in relationships. These conversations aren’t the ones that finish with an “I’m sorry” and moving on; they’re the ones that can lead to admitting a relationship has to change or even end.

If something is creating friction, at some point you’ve got to acknowledge it. Women are pros at making things seem OK when they’re not, so taking responsibility for what you need or feel by saying it out loud can be intimidating. But don’t leave anything off-limits. You especially have to talk about sex and money, because how you deal with both as a couple has a profound effect on how you feel about each other.

These conversations are all about managing defensiveness. As soon as someone gets defensive, the other will, too, and the talk shuts down. Don’t use words like ‘should’ or questions like, “Why would you do that?” Instead, say, “Can you tell me more about why you did that?” And you have to remember the goal isn’t to win; it’s to understand each other. If the conversation feels one-sided, try saying, “OK, you’ve heard me. Now tell me how you feel.”

Every relationship, including mine, has moments when things go well – and moments when things fall apart – whether or not we choose to talk about them. You might as well be brave enough to talk about them.

Anna gets into all those hard-to-discuss topics on Death, Sex & Money (wnycstudios.org).