Social media rules for my boyfriend
awhile back, I started seeing a new guy. We were in that fun infatuation stage, and then I looked at his Twitter and found it consisted primarily of juice bar check-ins. It became a joke with my friends: “I’m glad Brent is getting his vitamin C!” “Can Brent pick me up a smoothie next time he hits the juice bar?” and I couldn’t get it out of my head. Other problems were becoming clear, too, but was I really going to get serious with the mayor of the juice bar?
I moved on, next dating a man whose posts included mortifyingly basic hashtags like #blue #sky #skies #blueskies #pictures. I could only imagine how he might hashtag a photo of us with #cute #couple. Then there was the guy whose tweets were so badly bro-tastic (think, “This presidential debate is hella dank, yo.”) that a male friend intervened. We didn’t last four months.
I know I’m not the only one whose crush has been killed by a prospect’s Instagram presence. Social media is one of the key ways we show who we are – our faces (or avatars), what we care about, who we’re friends with. In dating, it’s a way to fill in the gaps as we get to know a person. And I believe that online, just as in real life, there are civil, mutually-beneficial ways to behave and get a date – and then there’s checking in at a smoothie place daily.
Too much info Lest you think you’re petty for unmatching someone on a dating app due to their TMI Facebook posts, know this: in the world of dating, you’re supposed to be choosy! So I’ve come up with a few rules for any guy looking to message me. First: be who you are, but don’t be terrifying. Also, sliding into my DMS is fine; just please don’t be a creep about it.
Google I know you googled me just like I googled you before we met, but let’s never acknowledge that. Not even when it comes out that I somehow know you’re from Graaff-reinet, have a record for breaking and entering, and have provincial colours for swimming from high school (congrats!).
Linkedin Don’t ask me for a Linkedin testimonial. I know nothing about your Photoshop skills, so no, I will not endorse them. Also, why are you on my Linkedin?
Getting political Every time you engage in a political battle on Facebook, my heart dies a little. I’d rather see you post some protest pics of yourself than watch you bicker with strangers.
Selfies Please don’t ever: pose with a poached animal, sexily hold a gun, post a bathroommirror selfie with you pulling up your shirt. We get it – you have abs.
Abbreviations Ur attempt to tweet in the rly chill way youngins speak on the internetz rn is rly just embarrassing af. Tweet like an adult human.
Grammar If you don’t know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’, I am not you’re [sic] lady.
Tagging Please abstain from tagging me in any photos unless you have my direct verbal consent, and I’ll do the same. At least until we have a DTTR (Define The Tagging Relationship) convo – and we’d be married at that point.
Break ups If you become an ex, please unfollow me on all accounts, but continue to sporadically check my feed so you can see how great I’m doing without you, and think about how you lost me, you utter fool.
Look, I get that something on my list might be a swipe right for you and that plenty of dates probably think I’m embarrassing on social media – one person’s turnoff is another person’s treasure. And that’s OK. I still think I’m hilarious on Twitter.