The war on bad sex Pleasureless sex isn’t bad luck – it’s a bad lay. Now, a revolutionary army of female celebrities and educators want the penis-first attitude eliminated
Pleasure-less sex isn’t bad luck – it’s a bad lay. Now, a revolutionary army of female celebrities and educators want the penis-first attitude eliminated.
designer bag or a shoddy fake? It’s a no-brainer. Yet for years, women have been invited into the designer store, shown the goods, and just as their excitement was building – bam – they’ve been thrown out empty-handed or directed towards a second-rate fake. While men? Men have been barging in and claiming the designer goods every single time.
To bring it back from bags to bits: “Our sexual culture is toxic to the female orgasm,” says Trisha Borowicz, a molecular biologist who directed indie documentary Science, Sex & the Ladies to debunk the “tons of confusion” about female pleasure. “The silence around the clitoris – omitted from sex education in a way that male orgasm and the penis are not – and the ridiculous expectation that women should orgasm through intercourse have become part of our sexuality. We were bathed from birth in the misconceptions that women were sexually lesser than men.”
Now, a generation after the sexual revolution of the ’60s to ’80s – a time that normalised contraception and sexual expansion beyond a hetero label – change is hitting mattresses. “Those ’ 70s feminists gave us higher hopes that we could enjoy our sexuality, but actual experiences have not reflected that. We’re now finally starting to talk and dissect it,” says Trisha.
Where? First up, in comedy. “Comedians are always on the cutting edge of social issues, talking in frank ways about ‘ hidden’ aspects of sexual lives,” says Breanne Fahs, an associate professor of women and gender studies. Take comedian Amy Schumer’s orgasm entitlement: “I’ll be like, ‘Oh my god, have you met my clit?’” Or writer Caitlin Moran’s masturbation praise: “It doesn’t cost anything, I don’t have to leave the house and it isn’t making me fat.”
Getting from the microphone to mainstream thinking, Breanne credits path-breaking TV shows such as Broad City, “Where women’s masturbation is treated like a regular part of their lives.” There’s also the new wave of experiencesharing websites that encourage women to ‘ lean in’ about sex in a previously unheard of way: from How To Make Me Come’s ( howtomakemecome.tumblr.com) personal essays on orgasm to the masturbation video tutorials on OMGYES (omgyes.com).
“Women can only take having blue box for so long,” reveals sex educator Jenny Block, pioneer of today’s most sexually relevant term ‘ blue box’ – the female version of men’s ‘ blue balls’. “Female pleasure has to be one half of the main course. I’m a clitevangelist. Every woman – every person – should be.” Welcome to the equal-orgasm movement. Battle stations, please, as we take on the opponents of amazing sex.
#1 The ego
Of all the poisons to great sex, a mean ego is arsenic. Sex educator Naomi Hutchings traces it back to male sexual superiority. “There’s this gendered sexual positioning of women as passive and not needing to know much about sex, whereas men are expected to know what they’re doing. Deep down, many men worry about not being a good lover.” It’s this worry that can overcompensate into arrogance. Her advice? “You have to say what you want: noises can be misconstrued. Say, ‘Next time, shall we do X instead of Y?’ And name stuff. If you don’t, the move you hate will grow into lasting resentment.” And Gabe, 44, agrees. “Men are almost certain to climax, it’s our job to find what makes you tick. If you’re with a man whose ego can’t handle kindlyworded honesty, then you need a new man.”
#2 The jackhammer
Unless you’re having sex with Thor, nothing sexual should involve a hammer. The action associated with banging an old nail into a fence simply does not constitute most vaginas’ happy place. “I think the theory is that furious pounding hits a woman’s pleasure spots, but it’s a very inexact tool, prone to finding the cervix – very much not a pleasure spot when battered,” says Fatima, 35. Seize a position that lets you dominate speed controls. Being on top puts you in charge of pace and depth, while leaning forwards and backwards in reverse cowgirl gives you all the say about the angle of his penis. “When sex is slower, I get more aroused. It feels purposeful, like he’s enjoying being inside me,” says Noma, 24.
#3 ourselves
“Women are taught from a very young age that female orgasm is a challenge, that masturbation is for men and that it’s embarrassing to ask for things in bed. We’re taught to look good, not feel good. So it takes a lot of guts to think, ‘Yeah, I deserve an orgasm – however long it takes,’” explains Elana, 40, who credits stopping faking orgasms with turning bad sex into good sex. But behind every bedroom technique is one core component: self-worth. We need to become more assertive, more honest, and learn to feel more worthy, says Trisha. “Men need to change, too. Everyone must make hard, intentional changes for things to get better.” A good start is to include good sex into the discussion of women being able to have it all. Because while the temptation is to eye-roll – another thing to add to women’s plates – the point, really, is why we haven’t valued our pleasure enough to include it all along.
“Behind every bedroom technique is one core component: self-worth.”
#4 The v-all and end-all
The vagina. It’s a super highway that’s consistently great at two things: babies and periods. When it comes to sex, vaginal penetration might feel good or it might be so average that you lie back and think of repainting the ceiling. Fact is, only 8% of women reliably have unassisted orgasms during penile-vaginal intercourse – though the latest school of thought is that their clitorises may simply be closer to their vaginal opening. Problem is, according to a study, 25% of men don’t know where the clitoris is. Which isn’t a great start. Add in the vagina’s role as penis-pleasurer, “And anything non-vaginal is seen as extra,” confirms Jenny. It demotes the clitoris’ status to an optional add-on, when, for your orgasm, the clitoris is the most important!
Naomi suggests banning the word ‘ foreplay’: “I call all prior [non-penile] activity sexual activity,” she says. She’s also an advocate of breaking society’s P-in-v obsession. “If you’re not having vaginal orgasms with a penis inside you, don’t worry. Use a vibrator on your clitoris during penetrative sex. Rub his penis between your legs and masturbate. Take the pressure off the penis always being in the vagina. You don’t have to orgasm in a specific way.”
#5 complexity myth
In 1953, a 6 000-person study proved that women can bring themselves to orgasm in less than four minutes, yet in 2018 we’re still told that female genitals are too complicated to climax. “Even experts say everyone’s different and leave it at that. But there are common insights,” says Lydia Daniller, co-founder of OMGYES. To define this, her team interviewed 2 000 women on how they liked to be touched, gave names to the most frequently observed techniques and then filmed them performing their go-to methods. Memorise the following for your clit-tionary: Edging – edge close to orgasm, stop, repeat. Hinting – tease the clitoris and vaginal opening, limit stimulation. Homework has never been so pleasurable.