“I moved in with my boyfriend… and his wife” By writer Zachary Zane

You meet the perfect guy, find out he’s married – then he asks you to join their relationship. That’s what happened to writer Zachary Zane.

Carolyn walks into my bedroom, dressed in a bra and bottoms, while I’m hunched over my laptop, trying to do some last-minute work before bed. “Hey,” she says, squeezing my shoulders. I reach over and hug her. “So,” she says, pushing her hair from her eyes and biting her lip, “I’d really like to sleep with my husband tonight. Would that be OK?” “Sure,” I nod, as Jason lazily gets out of my bed and kisses Carolyn.

Wait, WTF? Let me back up. Carolyn is the wife of my partner, Jason. The three of us have been living together for nearly six months, in a polyamorous relationship. Carolyn has a serious girlfriend. Jason and I both go on dates with other men. While I don’t see myself as in a ‘relationship’ with Carolyn – we’ve never had sex – she’s now one of my closest friends. And I know it may sound complicated, but I’m happier than I’ve ever been – even if it means that I sometimes have to sleep solo, hearing Carolyn and Jason having sex next door.

I never actively sought out polyamory. In October 2015, I’d just got out of a longterm relationship with a woman and was exploring different aspects of my sexuality. I identified myself as a bisexual but found the label complex; men and women didn’t believe that I could be equally attracted to both genders. In fact, the night I met Jason I was at a gay club, in a passionate argument with two older gay friends about why bisexuality existed. They seemed sceptical. But half an hour later, one of them came from the bar, triumphantly dragging a muscular, tattooed man behind him. “Look!” my friend said. “This guy says he’s bisexual. You guys should talk.” My breath caught as I surveyed his tattoos and piercings – just my type. The two of us began chatting: Jason introduced himself and explained that he was married, but dated men – and also shared a long-term girlfriend with his wife, Carolyn. “Really? That’s fascinating,” I replied, instantly switching into reporter mode as I wrote him off as a prospective partner. Yes, he was attractive, but he also sounded busy.

We exchanged numbers, and I thought I might interview him for a future story as part of my job as a writer. A few days later, he SMSED me, inviting me to a game night at his house with his wife, their mutual girlfriend and a few other people. I had no idea what to expect. Did ‘ game’ mean a threesome? An orgy? Intrigued, I decided that whatever games he meant, I was up for it. Then, when I got there, part of me was disappointed when Jason ushered me into a crowded apartment, and a game of 30 Seconds was in full swing among fully-clothed participants. Still, the mood was different than I’d experienced before – there were a lot more PDAS between the people in the room. Jason would kiss his wife, then his wife would kiss the girlfriend they shared. People were touching – thighs, shoulders, hands grazing against breasts. I looked away, feeling guilty for staring, but intrigued at the same time.

Jason and I hung out platonically a few more times before he invited me on a date. I accepted, but didn’t think we would be a ‘thing’. The more I thought about it, the more I liked the fact that his calendar was full. I was busy with work and friends, and I thought that if we ended up being friends with benefits, hooking up every week or so, that would be perfect. Instead, things got intense, and fast. We were soon hanging out five or six nights a week.

We could easily sit in a bar or restaurant for hours just talking, and we clicked in a way I hadn’t experienced before. We loved ending our nights with karaoke, we would chat about other men and women we thought were ➻

cute, we would come up with inside jokes that would make us crack up while other people gave us dirty looks. Pretty quickly, I knew that I loved him. And here’s the thing: in the past, this realisation would have terrified me. When other relationships became serious, I was always so afraid that something would happen, that there might be some future betrayal. But there was none of that with Jason.

I would see Carolyn when I dropped my stuff off at his place, but it was easy in the moment to pretend she was just his housemate. It wasn’t that I was jealous, it was just so hard to wrap my head around the situation. They were married. They share a house, a bank account, a history that spanned more than a decade. That’s when I decided that I wanted to go out with Carolyn solo. After all, we had one huge thing in common: Jason. The two of us went out to dinner, and to my surprise, we clicked. “You make him so happy,” she said. She locked eyes with me when she said it. And I realised that this could actually work.

A few months later, I moved in. We live in a three-bedroom flat, and we each have our own bedroom. Carolyn has a serious girlfriend who she sees multiple nights a week, so most of the time Jason and I sleep with each other. Jason also dates around, and so do I. Jealousy rarely comes into play – in fact, the only time it came up was early in our relationship, when we both had crushes on the same guy, and he chose Jason. But that was it. Which again, is really strange, because I’ve always been a pretty jealous guy. When I was in a relationship with my last girlfriend, my heart would clench if I imagined her with another man. But I was fine with Jason sleeping with Carolyn or another guy – even hearing them in the house didn’t bother me. I had to unpick that a lot in my head. But what I realised is that I wasn’t jealous of sex, I was afraid of having my trust broken. And that doesn’t happen in polyamory. For us, everything is discussed, everyone is honest. We even have a shared Google calendar where we write all our date nights, just so we can plan accordingly. Because if everyone is having sex but you, it can give you serious FOMO. So, on nights when Jason has a date, I’ll make plans with friends or go out on my own.

But that doesn’t mean that it’s easy. At first, I had trouble getting used to the logistics: dating multiple people means the house is always busy. People are always coming and going, and as a writer who likes his solitude, I had a tough time adjusting to all the sounds in the house. But that was more of a housemate problem than a polyamory one. Right now, Jason is my only partner, but I’m 26 and have the freedom to sleep around – so I do. I’m on PREP, a daily medication that helps prevent potential HIV infection, and I use condoms with everyone except Jason. Occasionally, there’s a slip-up – the condom will break or I won’t be as careful as I should have been – and I’ll immediately tell Jason. Then, he and I will use condoms until my test results come back clear. That’s the type of honesty you need to have in a polyamorous relationship. If I had unprotected sex and didn’t tell Jason, it would be just like cheating in a monogamous relationship.

I don’t think people understand just how respectful a polyamorous relationship can be. Many assume it’s an excuse to cheat or sleep with whomever you like, without commitment. My mom had a hard time accepting our arrangement when I first told her. She’s very liberal and supports everything I do, but her biggest worry was about Carolyn – she was worried Jason and I were leaving her a lonely third wheel as our relationship blossomed. But once I explained a bit more – that Carolyn had a serious girlfriend, and that we all communicated – she started to come round. But she still has concerns. After all, Carolyn and Jason are married, and even though it’s 2018, in our society, ‘marriage’ still sounds more serious than ‘love’ or ‘commitment’.

And I understand that fear. Being polyamorous means that you no longer see a relationship as an escalator – where you meet, flirt, have sex, move in together, get married and then live happily ever after. We take each day at a time. I know things could change in a moment. Jason could meet another guy he wants to get serious with and, in that case, I would need to tell him, “Hey, have fun, but I need you, too.”

There’s a saying in polyamorous communities: love is infinite, time is not. What this means is that even though you could fall in love with everyone you cross paths with, there just isn’t time to do so. That’s why Carolyn will sometimes ask if she can have a night with Jason, and why I’m prepared to let Jason know if I feel like I need extra TLC.

Polyamory works because we make it work. We know some polyamorous partners who have spreadsheets and documents of ‘rules’, but we’re more organic – we just make sure we constantly communicate, making sure everyone’s needs are being met, and the bills are being paid, and the dishes are being done. Is it right for everyone? No. But it’s perfect for me. I’ll take the occasional lonely night in exchange for a full heart.

“Even though you could fall in love with everyone you cross paths with, there just isn’t time to do so.”