“I had a threesome with two guys”
… and when I told the new person I was seeing, he abruptly ended things. he said he just wouldn’t be able to get over it, and it was a huge turn off for him. I’m still upset about it. Moving forward, should I keep this fact from other guys?” – eska Buys,
“That’s a flimsy reason to break things off. Most guys don’t flat-out end a relationship after hearing their partner’s sexual history, especially when it’s at an appropriate time in the relationship. But if the mental image of you with two guys was too much for him to handle, that says more about his insecurity with his masculinity than about you. In the future, if it feels like the right time to say something about your sexual history, then say something. This sounds like an isolated case of a sexually unevolved dude. Upward and onward!” – Neel Shah, writer “Don’t cover up your past; it’s not a good way to start a relationship. If someone you’re seeing says they’re turned off by something consensual you did in the past, ask why. If it’s coming from a place of their own insecurity or judgment, press them on that. People frequently don’t realise where their turnoffs come from or have enough selfawareness of their feelings. To make the relationship work, he’d have to unpack why he’s so uncomfortable with you exploring your sexual curiosity and accept you as you are. It isn’t on you to convince him to do that.” – laci Green, vlogger “You shouldn’t have to hide your sexual experiences from a partner, but what you choose to tell a partner is all about your comfort level – it’s no one’s business but your own. And remember: it was really his baggage that caused the split, not yours. Too often women are made to feel like their moral worth is tied to their sexual history. Someone who thinks that one – or more than one – sexual experience makes you less desirable may have questionable views on women and gender roles more broadly. I have real reservations about anyone who would find a threesome so harmful as to use it to justify a breakup.”
– JESSICA Valenti, writer
“I would caution against throwing your whole history out there; it’s not necessary. But if you do disclose, make the context clear. ‘I’m into group sex and do it regularly’ and ‘I was curious and tried things out’ have very different implications. I’ve found that, for people to be sexually compatible, it doesn’t matter if their turnons and turnoffs are the same. Just make sure your core values are aligned.” – Dr kristen Mark, sex and relationship expert