The ugly truth about beauty bullying
Being judged on your looks feels as original as yet another episode of Take Me Out. But as a new breed of online haters gets nastier than ever, we investigate how to keep smiling when it’s your face vs the internet.
bullying someone for their looks feels like something we should have probably outgrown in primary school. Yet almost one in four women has experienced the sharp claws of socialmedia comments. Though it’s easy to assume those in the spotlight 24/7 aren’t affected, such hate can still hurt. “It does affect me,” said Kylie Jenner in an interview. “But there’s never been a bad rumour, comment or story that I haven’t gotten through.”
In June, actress Kelly Marie Tran – the first female Asian lead in Star Wars – went offline after months of racist social-media abuse. And Stranger Things star Millie Bobby Brown left Twitter when the hashtag #Take down millie bobby brown – which was used alongside fake homophobic encounters with fans – got too much. It’s cruel taunting by any standards, but particularly for a 14-year-old.
While cyber-bullying research in adults is limited, a study found that 66% of adults have witnessed someone being harassed online, be that via name-calling or physical threats. In one workplace study, 46% of trainee doctors were bullied to an extent that it impacted their mental health. The surprising correlation between this study and online beauty bullying is the culprit. Among the doctors, the bullies were people at a similar level and of a similar age. “On social platforms, you think it’s the classic image of sad old men behind keyboards – but it’s women your own age, too,” says beauty and lifestyle blogger Louise Pentland, 33. She has been abused for being plus-size and for having a gap between her front teeth. “Women have said things like, ‘Why are you telling us about that when you’re so fat?’ and ‘You really need to see a dentist for your teeth.’ I see something negative daily. It’s not really nice.”
Chidera Eggerue, author of What a Time to be Alone (Quadrille; R297) and founder of body-positive movement #Saggyboobsmatter, is also surprised, and disappointed, by where the online hate comes from. “I was bullied on Twitter for posting a photo of my natural hair in cornrows. I captioned it, ‘Wig off and still a 10,’ only to receive piles of abuse from strangers telling me that my hair looked ugly,” says the 23-yearold. “That was so hurtful, because the mean remarks came from people who look like me.”
RISE OF THE MEAN GIRLS So, why has the digital sisterhood got so spiteful? Firstly, women engage much more than men in imagebased and interactive apps such as Instagram and Snapchat, says Dr Maša Popovac, a specialist in cyber aggression. Secondly, society tends to focus on women’s looks more than men’s. “Women are taught that we are our appearance. Male identity, culturally, is more to do with work, success and achieving. Women know that another woman’s Achilles heel is likely to be her looks,” says clinical psychologist Rhona Clews.
And the internet is a haven for mean girls. People do things online that they wouldn’t do in person and women are often the ones victimised. Factor in anonymity and you get an emboldened confidence dubbed ‘the online disinhibition effect’. Think of it as the misguided courage you get from alcohol. “Just as alcohol lowers inhibitions offline, the ability to desensitise to someone’s distress, and feel powerful from anonymity and a lack of consequences can lead to deviant behaviours online,” adds Dr Popovac. “Some people see their online self as separate from who they are offline.” And this spells troll-ble.
Last year, a survey of more than 10 000 people found that 31% of them had deliberately said something nasty to someone online. Of those who were bullied, 50% of comments were appearance-based.
When beauty blogger Em Ford, 27, developed adult acne, she began posting no-makeup selfies alongside tutorials. She wanted to show that there’s beauty in everyone, however ‘flawed’ you may feel, and to normalise ‘imperfect’ skin. In three months, thousands of people commented – many to rip her to shreds. “I can’t even look at her,” “WTF is wrong with her face,” “Ewww.” And one that stuck out: “You’re so disgusting.” What Em did next is one of the most powerful stands against bullying that you’ll see: ‘ You Look Disgusting’ became the title of a Youtube video that showed her with and without makeup, surrounded by taunts and then the message, “You are beautiful. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. Even yourself.” It’s heartbreaking and defiant, and if there’s one sign that online beauty bullying is not something to feel alone in, it’s the 28 million views on the video.
CRUEL INTENTIONS As with feet, breasts and brows (come on, one is always fuller), all online hate was not created equal. It’s trolls vs bullies. “Trolls are the ‘me me me!’ attention seekers, posting extreme or argumentative comments purely to bait a reaction for their entertainment,” says Dr Popovac. For Louise, they’re the easiest to ignore. ➻
“I get the most insane comments, like, ‘Just go and kill yourself.’ It’s so farfetched that it’s clearly just a troll who wanted to write something.” Cyber bullying, however, is repeated harm directed at an individual. Although being on the receiving end of a troll and a bully feels similar, a bully’s motivation is different. Unlike trolls, they don’t want attention; their aim is to humiliate, harass or get revenge. Think, Regina George from Mean Girls.
But a third category has emerged, fuelled by a pack mentality. “Correcting a factual error in good faith can spiral into a barrage of hate very quickly when others get involved. There is a general idea that everything someone posts online is fair game for commentary,” Dr Popovac warns. Depending on the pack’s comments, it can subdivide into trolls and bullies alongside the original “Oops, I think that’s wrong” commenters. “There’s a big difference between negative yet constructive, such as, ‘I like this video, but the sound quality wasn’t good,’ vs ‘I hated this video, you look incredibly ugly.’ In which case I delete it,” says Louise. “If you leave the comment there, other people jump on it and it can start a big argument back and forth. It’s best to starve it of oxygen.”
Perhaps the most important question is: where is all this hate coming from? How can someone’s eyebrow pencil cause a Twitter feud? Rhona believes it’s the boil over of pent-up emotions from our daily lives: frustration, sadness, anger and depression. “There’s a compulsion to get rid of these negative feelings,” she explains. “When someone targets another person’s appearance, they get temporary relief, even an addictive high, from offloading their bad mood,” Rhona says. But an attack won’t fix the issue. “As with any compulsive behaviour, attacks will be followed by self-shame and guilt greater than before acting out,” she says. This is something Louise has found when she’s confronted nasty commenters. “I have Dmed people on Twitter and said, ‘That was really hurtful,’ and they immediately reply, ‘I’m so sorry, I was having a bad day,’” she says. “You can feel brave sitting on your sofa, but it’s a criminal offence to troll someone – legislation can protect you.” The Defamation Act and Protection from Harassment Act can be applied to safeguard against online harassment by tackling online bullying and protect victims of trolling. Online violence against women and girls should not be separated from offline violence.
ERASE THE HATE If you find yourself on the receiving end of online bullying, Dan Raisbeck, co-founder of a cyber-bulling nonprofit, suggests a three-step strategy. Firstly, if the abuse threatens your safety, call the police and screenshot evidence. Secondly, do an online purge: “Block, delete, filter and/or report abusive users from all of your online spaces,” he advises. Then, check that your profile and privacy settings don’t give out any personal information that you don’t want to be seen. “By taking control of what
is viewable, and by whom, you reestablish your own space free from negativity,” he adds. Thirdly, don’t try to deal with it alone. For Chidera, coping with online bullies means confiding in her best friend. “I tell him when I’m feeling vulnerable,” she says. “There’s no shame in admitting that it hurts.”
Reaching out is also an important step if you see someone else being bullied online. “Contact them privately through a DM, and let them know that you’re there for them and they’re not alone. Some kind words can make all the difference to let someone know you care,” recommends Dan, who advises against standing up to the bully publicly in case it backfires and makes things worse. On most sites, you can report incidences of abuse without having to be the victim yourself. (See ‘Platform protection’ to the right.)
Another strategy that could revolutionise the online community – and that doesn’t require a hefty follower count – is to join the rapidly growing self-love movement by always reporting instances of abuse as soon as you spot it, following bodypositive hashtags on Instagram and Twitter, or supporting social media accounts that stand up for inclusivity.
Facebook is also a great place to join invite-only communities where comments are closely monitored. “Find a community that makes you feel good about yourself,” urges Louise. “I joke that my arms and legs look like meat sticks, but I love them. In my group, people post pictures of their bodies post-surgery or wearing shorts with self-harm scars on their legs, and the comments are 100% supportive.” You can’t always avoid difficult people online, but you can embrace the spaces that make you feel good. And what do trolls and bullies really have? A made-up username. A fake photo. And a ton of inner angst. Sure, they might act big, but who’s the one with their face on display, proudly owning it? Exactly: you’ve got this.
“Women are taught that we are our appearance. Male identity, culturally, is more to do with work, success and achieving.”