The most common questions about the female orgasm, answered

Maybe you’re curious or maybe just not quite sure whether your orgasm is, well, ‘normal’. No shame here – most of us have been fed a lot of confusing ideas about how women reach climax. Case in point: the mainstream porn myth that most female orgasms occur through vaginal intercourse or anal sex. So it’s not surprising that the female orgasm is one of the most popular topics people ask sex therapists about. To clear up the biggest misconceptions, we asked sex therapist Vanessa Marin and sexologist Dr Jess O’Reilly to share the questions they get from clients – and their hold-nothing-back answers.

Q: HOW DO I KNOW IF I’VE HAD AN ORGASM?

People usually respond to this question with something like “You’ll just know,” but it’s not always that easy. Dr O’Reilly sees many women confused by porn that depicts female orgasms as always super intense, when really, they can be more subtle.

“Not all orgasms are earth-shattering,” she says. Dr O’Reilly describes them this way: “An orgasm usually involves a buildup of tension that reaches a peak and is followed by a sense of release and pleasurable sensations. Your breath and heart rate will likely heighten building up to the orgasm, and you might feel pulsing in your genital region and a sudden pleasurable relief of tension.”

Q: HOW CAN I LEARN TO ORGASM?

If you’ve never had an orgasm, you’re not alone. One 2005 study found that 5-10% of women have never experienced an orgasm. This doesn’t mean all hope is lost; research also shows women can learn to orgasm. All it takes is practice.

Dr O’Reilly recommends looking at your genitals in the mirror to get more comfortable with your body; masturbating to figure out what kinds of touch you like; using vibrators for stimulation; exploring different fantasies through porn or erotica, if you’re into it; and making noise to stay present.

The most reliable way to have your first orgasm is through masturbation, says Vanessa. “Once you get a better sense of what your body responds to, you’ll be much better equipped to teach your partner specific details,” she says.

Q: I CAN ONLY ORGASM ALONE. HOW CAN I GET THERE WITH A PARTNER?

A lot of women find it much easier to orgasm on their own than with a partner, says Dr O’Reilly. When you’re by yourself, you’re solely focused on your own pleasure and can touch yourself just the way you like. Getting there with a partner might involve a little translation, but it’s totally doable.

Start by asking yourself what you do solo that helps you orgasm – and then thinking about what your partner does differently. Maybe you’re using clitoral stimulation on your own but trying to orgasm only through penetration with a partner. “Perhaps you’d benefit from introducing some of the techniques you use during masturbation to your partnered sex play,” says Dr O’Reilly.

The obstacle could also be more psychological. “You may also need to practice receiving pleasure,” Dr O’Reilly says. “If you’re too hung up on giving pleasure, it can detract from your own experience.” Getting out of your own head and into your body can help.

Q: HOW DO I ‘GET OUT OF MY HEAD’ ENOUGH TO ORGASM?

Getting out of your own head – where you’re thinking, ‘Is my partner enjoying this? Do I smell weird? Did I send that email?’ – enough to focus on your pleasure is easier said than done. That’s why experts often hear from women who have trouble climaxing because they’re distracted by their thoughts.

Vanessa’s best advice? First, know this is normal. Getting too worked up can turn it into a self-perpetuating cycle. “What happens for many people is that they’ll notice a distracting thought, then get frustrated with themselves for thinking distracting thoughts, then get even more distracted,” she says. “Instead of going down this maddening distraction spiral, the best thing to do is simply acknowledge that mental distraction is the price we pay for having brains,” Vanessa says. “If you notice your brain starting to wander, acknowledge that you’re thinking about something different, then gently bring your attention back to the present moment.”

Q: WHAT IF IT TAKES A LOT OF TIME TO ORGASM?

A lot of women struggle with feeling unworthy of time or attention when it comes to their sexual pleasure. But sometimes orgasms take work, especially when you’re first learning to orgasm or having your first orgasms with a partner. That’s more than OK – there’s no time limit for your orgasm.

The more practice you have, the easier orgasms will come. In the meantime, focus on reminding yourself that you deserve that time and effort.

Q: IS IT POSSIBLE TO ORGASM DURING INTERCOURSE?

If you don’t orgasm during intercourse, don’t sweat it – that’s totally normal. Only about 25% of women regularly orgasm during intercourse, and when they do, it’s probably because their clitoris is being stimulated simultaneously.

“Penetration itself doesn’t create enough stimulation for the vast majority of women to reach orgasm,” Vanessa says. “Female orgasm is all about the clitoris, but it doesn’t get a lot of attention during intercourse.”

That doesn’t mean it’s not possible. To increase your chances of orgasming during intercourse, Vanessa recommends touching your clitoris, having your partner touch it, using toys, or trying a position like the coital alignment technique that allows for clitoral stimulation.

Q: AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS TROUBLE ORGASMING?

Nope, but a lot of women don’t discuss it. “We teach women to be ashamed and embarrassed of the female orgasm, so a lot of women don’t feel comfortable being honest about their orgasmic struggles,” Vanessa says. “There are so many women out there who haven’t orgasmed yet.”

First, remember that you’re in good company. And second, remember that an orgasm drought likely won’t last forever.