7 Questions you’ve always wondered about your libido

y ou’ve probably wondered more than once if your relationship with sex is normal. Do you think about it enough or too much? Are you having more or less sex than everyone else? And should you care?

When broaching the subject of libido, it’s hard not to question how ‘normal’ your thoughts, habits and preferences are. But, like most concepts concerning our bodies, libido is a lot more complicated than many of us think. So, we asked sexual health experts to walk us through Libido 101, delving into common questions and the fascinating nuance that surrounds this subject. Hopefully, you’ll come away from this with a better understanding of what’s ‘normal’ and what to do if you still have questions.

What is libido, exactly?

You might have heard this umbrella term used to describe a variety of sexual phenomena. “It’s one of those words that gets thrown around a lot, and [people can have] a different idea of what it means,” says Dr Madeleine Castellanos, a psychiatrist who specialises in sex therapy and author of Wanting to Want (Tao Health Corp; R264).

Words by Carolyn l Todd

Experts typically use the term ‘libido’ to refer to the psychological aspect of sexual desire. “It’s that feeling of drive or motivation to engage in sexual behaviour,” sex and relationships researcher Dr Kristen Mark tells us.

is it the same as sexual arousal?

Not really, but they can be related. Dr Castellanos says that libido is about what’s going on in your mind (like when you’re lost in a hot fantasy), while sexual arousal is about what’s happening in your body (like getting wet if you have a vagina or getting an erection if you have a penis).

The confusion comes in because libido and sexual arousal often rise and dip together, says Dr Mark. This is why difficulty getting physiologically aroused can inhibit psychological desire and vice versa.

But arousal and libido aren’t always connected. You may experience high levels of libido without the physical signs of arousal (like when you feel really turned on but aren’t getting wet). Or you may experience physical signs of arousal (such as increased lubrication or erection) even if you’re not really mentally in the mood.

It’s just something that can happen sometimes when you have a body – it’s known as arousal nonconcordance. The good news is, there’s nothing wrong with it.

It’s typically thought that people with vaginas who identify as women have less co-ordination between their psychological desire and physiological arousal than people with penises do, Kristen says. But, like many other things when it comes to sex, this rule doesn’t apply to everyone.

What counts as a ‘normal’ libido?

Great news: “There is no normal,” Dr Leah Millheiser, ob/gyn and clinical assistant professor of obstetrics and gynaecology, tells Glamour.

Each individual has their own baseline of what feels good, natural, and satisfying libido wise, Dr Millheiser explains. You might have no libido to speak of and feel perfectly

fine with that. Or, you might feel some level of sexual attraction every day and be fine with that. Both are fine. Libido can fluctuate due to various factors .

How do my hormones influence my libido?

Various hormones can affect libido throughout a person’s monthly cycle (those who have a vagina) and lifespan. Experts don’t fully understand how this works yet. Here’s how the three sex hormones produced by the ovaries are thought to influence libido, plus a few caveats afterwards.

Oestrogen: Some experts believe that having higher levels of circulating oestrogen may play a role in increasing libido. This is put forth as one possible reason why sex drive can dip after menopause when the ovaries no longer create as much of this hormone. This can also be part of why sex drive can go down right after childbirth when higher levels of this hormone suddenly taper off. (In addition to that whole sustaining a new life thing.)

Progesterone: This is the hormone that appears to be able to inhibit libido to an extent, though experts aren’t totally sure how or why. A 2013 study on hormones and behaviour, involving 43 women, found that heightened progesterone levels (like those that occur right after ovulation) led to a reduction in sexual desire.

Testosterone: As already mentioned, testosterone is a pretty major player in this game. In fact, if you’re not on ovulation-suppressing birth control and your libido tends to peak mid-cycle, that could be your testosterone’s doing. When your oestrogen rises in preparation for ovulation, so does your testosterone, the goal being that you might want to have sex the most when you’re most fertile.

If you’re on the pill that suppresses ovulation (like the combination pill), you may not experience that mid-cycle testosterone spike the way someone would who wasn’t on the pill, so it’s possible you’d notice a libido change on the pill.

What if my partner’s libido is higher or Lower than mine?

This is called a sexual desire discrepancy and it’s not inherently a problem. Think about how you and your partner probably need or desire different amounts of sleep, food and exercise. But it can create relationship tension when one person gets blamed or pathologised for having what the other perceives as a too-low or too-high libido. (“You never/always want to have sex, what’s wrong with you?”) It can also become a problem when one person takes the imbalance personally. (“He doesn’t want to have sex because he doesn’t find me attractive.”)

It’s important for couples with discrepancies in sexual desire to talk openly about it, try to meet in the middle, and find ways other than sex to satisfy each other’s intimate needs, Dr Mark says.

can i increase my libido?

Increasing your libido really depends on why it was low in the first place. If you have a medical issue impacting your desire, such as painful sex or depression, talking to a doctor may put you on a path to treatment that changes your libido. Or if you feel like you and your partner have fallen into a rut, you can definitely work to amplify your closeness.

“Because sexual desire is related to satisfaction in the relationship, it can be really helpful to improve the parts of a relationship that are missing,” Kristen explains. “You might see that sexual desire will follow.”

Who should i talk to if i’m unhappy about my libido?

The best provider depends on your underlying issue and the kind of care to which you have access. Not all doctors are wellinformed about libido, but most are equipped to help you start ruling out basic causes or refer you to someone else. If you think something physical might be going on or don’t know where else to start, bring it up with your primary care physician or any kind of clinician who focuses on sexual health (like an ob/ gyn).

Though it’s expensive, seeing a sex therapist or couples counsellor can be a fantastic option if it’s within your means, Dr Mark says. They have the specialised knowledge to help you explore issues like lack of communication.

Remember that it’s normal to want to have great sex, and there are people who can help if you’re having trouble achieving it.

“libido is about what’s going on in your mind while sexual arousal is about

what’s happening in your body”