More sex equals a happier you Myth or reality?
Stop chasing the mythical sex quota.
Apparently, other than everyone else’s neighbour, people are having less sex than previous generations. Blame birth control access or limitless free porn for the decline – who can say for sure? Whatever the reason, we’re having sex less. Initially, this seemed concerning to me, but as it turns out, it might not be such a big deal.
To be sure, not having any sex or experiencing a sharp decline could be a sure sign of an unhappy relationship. But according to some recent science, your friend who brags about having a quickie every morning probably isn’t any happier than you.
Much like washing your hair, you don’t need to have sex as often as you think – at least according to a 2015 study, which suggests any amount over once a week is simply overkill, especially if you’re not feeling it. That may seem obvious, but there’s a persistent belief out there that quantity correlates with happiness. Most long-term partners are doing it about once a week anyway; the average married couple has sex 51 times a year. And not only are married couples generally still out-sexing singles, but it turns out that not-strictly-sexual acts of aection, like hand holding or kissing, were actually better predictors of being “intensely” in love with your long-term partner than sexual frequency.
Recently, one of my friends was very shocked – horrified, actually – when I confessed that my boyfriend and I hadn’t had sex in a couple of weeks. He and I were doing great, but I’d been dealing with minor health problems, and we both were busy, and it just didn’t happen. Meanwhile, she and her boyfriend of four years were having sex every day. I’ll admit I felt jealous. I mean, in theory, I’m certainly game to have sex every day, so why wasn’t I having sex as often as her? When I talked to my friend (read: interrogated her) further, I found myself a lot less envious. It turns out she was often getting bored halfway through sex. Ultimately, they broke up a few weeks after we talked, which is perhaps unsurprising.
I myself did a very unscientific survey of about 40 people on Twitter, asking about the frequency they have sex, if that’s changed over time and if they’re happy. Almost all the answers fell into three categories. First, the single folks, or those who didn’t have a primary partner, reported having sex every month and mostly wished they had more. The next group were people in monogamous relationships who were having sex three to six times a week. Most of them were in newer, younger relationships. All of them felt satisfied with the amount of sex they were having, but mentioned that at times, the frequency
“We have a nearly pathological belief as a society that there’s a certain amount
of sex that we should be having”
would wane if things got stressful or busy. The last, and by far the largest group, were people in longterm relationships with a primary partner who had sex weekly. For the most part, they had described themselves as satisfied, however, many mentioned feeling like they should be having more sex, but that life got in the way. The idea that they weren’t having ‘enough’ sex seemed to stem from the idea that they used to be having more.
In general, people aren’t great at sustaining a high volume of sex after the honeymoon phase wears o. The limerence period, coined by psychologist Dr Dorothy Tennov, represents the first 18-24 months of a relationship where you love (or overlook) everything your partner does, including never closing kitchen cabinets and never capping the toothpaste, because your brain is hopped up on loving them. After that time, your brain chemistry changes, the excitement wears o and you guys settle into more stable patterns – less frequent sex included.
We have a nearly pathological belief as a society that there’s a certain amount of sex that we should be having, and very few examples of happy couples who just don’t feel like 48 minutes of foreplay on a Tuesday night, but who still love each other. Men, especially, always are expected to exist in a permanent state of horniness, and additionally that the frequency with which they have sex somehow correlates to their masculinity. For women, there is a notunrelated pressure to ‘satisfy’ their partner sexually, lest they go looking elsewhere, almost as if it’s part of a job description, akin to being proficient in Microsoft Excel. We’re all chasing some fictionalised sex quota – one that none of us are meeting, but that we’re sure other people are.
But again, couples don’t seem to mind the dip much as long as they’re actually still having sex. So get busy as often as comes naturally to you and your partner, and don’t worry about the imaginary magic number you feel like you should be hitting every week. Overdoing it (pun most certainly intended) just leads to boring, perfunctory hump sessions rather than steamy hot I-need-you sex. Having a ton of sex won’t create a good relationship, or improve an already struggling one, but rather that healthy relationships tend to organically involve more sex.
So chill out, open a bottle of wine and fall asleep on the couch to that new nature documentary; you two have had enough sex this week.