The only unfollow that broke my heart
Researcher Dr Brené Brown on coping courageously with social media cruelty
Ialways thought I’d reach a point in my life and my career when social media got easier and cruel comments didn’t bother me. For better and worse, I now know that day is never coming. I could stop reading the comments altogether, but then I wouldn’t get to connect with the 99% of people who are wonderful and teach me so much about myself and the world.
Here lies the rub: we’re neurobiologically hardwired for connection. When we stop caring what people think, we diminish our opportunities for connection, and we’ve got a far bigger problem than a few belittling remarks. Yet, when we allow ourselves to be defined by what people think, we lose our capacity for authenticity and courage.
I studied vulnerability, courage, empathy and shame for twenty years, which gave me emotional X-ray vision. When I see someone issue a posturing, blustery “I don’t give a damn what anyone thinks!” speech, I can see the pain dripping off their 12-year-old self. It isn’t true because it’s not how we’re built. If you develop skin so thick that you lose the ability to be hurt, you could end up feeling nothing.
I’ve tried a few social-media-hurt-reduction strategies over the past two years. The first turned out to be pretty awful: I responded. That sounds innocent enough, but when you study vulnerability in people for a living, and you have CIA-level reconnaissance research skills, as well as a surprisingly deep capacity for verbally beating the crap out of people who hurt you or hurt the people you love, it’s devastating. When we fire back and have to bear witness to our cruelty – to watch ourselves brandish name-calling, humiliation or ridicule as a weapon against another human being – that can crush our self-respect.
The second strategy I came up with was to limit the posts that draw the most venomous reactions. Unfortunately, these are posts about social justice and human rights issues. I don’t post about social justice issues to win. I post because staying silent about dehumanising refugees, separating families, diminishing the dignity of people because of who they are, who they love, or where they come from, makes me complicit.
Make no mistake, choosing comfort over standing up for what we believe is true and important will sever our connection to ourselves. Why? Because we must belong to ourselves to fit in, be liked, not cause problems, sidestep conflict, or not disappoint people, we break our hearts. Unfollowing your beliefs for others is the real threat.
The only foolproof strategy I’ve come up with so far is this: owning our story, owning what we believe, and loving ourselves is the bravest thing we’ll ever do. Do the world a favour: speak your truth. Follow your wild heart.
“When we allow ourselves to be defined by what people think, we lose our capacity for courage”