The seven unspoken casual rules of sex

Whether it’s a friends-with-benefits situation or a Tinder date gone right, here’s how to ensure everyone wakes up happy the next morning.

while it goes against conventional wisdom, I’m a staunch opponent of the idea that sex is always better with someone you love. To me, sex is like tennis: a pleasurable activity you can do alone or with others, with varying degrees of formality. And it can be quite invigorating.

After four years with an exclusive, committed partner, they usually know at least four to six things that you like doing. You’ve probably brought up your kinks and turn-offs. You’re unafraid to say, “A fraction to the left.” But sex with the same person, with whom you currently have a minor standoff over who’s going to call the landlord about the water spot on the ceiling in the kitchen, can also become rote in a way casual sex cannot.

Casual sex, of course, can occasionally suffer from its newness or lack of intimacy – we all have lacklustre, one-night-stand stories. But casual sex offers novelty. In the same way that it’s fun to stay in a hotel, even if you have no desire to live there, there’s something inherently sexy about getting down and dirty with someone new.

Here are some guidelines for making casual sex, well, casual.

1 Be prepared

If you’re in the market for casual hookups, always operate under the assumption that you will be heading back to your place at the end of the night. Even though you’ll inevitably end up staying elsewhere from time-to-time, casualness is something that you should exude through your attitude, not your apartment’s cleanliness level, so it’s better to be prepared. Own more than one towel. Own at least as many pillows as there are participants. The amenities don’t need to be expensive or luxurious – you’re not opening a spa – but you want your guests to feel comfortable. Perhaps the most important thing to have on hand? Condoms. You’re going to need a stash of those. No moaning about how it feels better without one – if that’s you, then do yourself a favour and buy some better ones. Buy 17 different kinds so you can try a new one every night! I don’t care. If you’re having casual sex, accept that condoms will always be part of that equation.

2 Keep it light

Casual sex, like a delicate mousse, is deceptively complex to get right, easily ruined by over-mixing, and – most importantly – best enjoyed when it’s light and fluffy. The point is, this isn’t the time nor the place for conversations about how you’re coping with your dad’s new girlfriend post your mom’s abrupt move to Mauritius. Casual hookups can be militantly sex-only, or they can involve a drink or two at a nice bar with some light conversation. This is an occasion in which normally-lacklustre topics like “Where did you grow up?” and, “What do you do?” shine. Now, this isn’t an invitation to be boring or taciturn, it’s just a plea for you to keep it easy breezy. Ask about movies, books or music if you want, but don’t try to peacock about your Bitcoin investment. Invite someone over and tell them a little too much about red wine flavour profiles, which you learnt from YouTube videos. Show them a video of your dog trying to climb a tree to catch a squirrel. Avoid digging deeper.

This goes for activities as well as conversation. Don’t suggest hangouts that can be easily misconstrued as a date – sit-down meals, movies, museums, and the like. That’s not keeping it casual. That’s a non-exclusive relationship. Or, most probably, one person gearing up to want more than casual sex.

3 Don’t get fancy with the spices

There is a scene in Ratatouille that no one outside of my family remembers, in which Linguini accuses Remy (the rat chef ) of “getting fancy with the spices”. In familial parlance it’s become shorthand for going overboard out of desperation to do well. Casual sex is not the place to try things with which you don’t already have a baseline comfort level. There’s a huge difference between, “I’ve never had sex in a car, wanna help me out?” and, “Let’s dabble in BDSM tonight.” Being up for anything – a good outlook when it comes to casual sex – means: “Up for fairly common sex acts that we’re both comfortable with, perhaps with minor, fun twists.” It doesn’t mean you need to test drive your kinkiest fantasies.

4 Ask the hard questions after the second hookup

“Would you be down to have some sex tonight with no expectations for the future and no commitment whatsoever?”

If you hook up with someone one time – say off a dating app or a tipsy kiss with a long-time acquaintance after your mutual friend’s house party – you need to debrief the next day. The condition of one-time sex is that it requires so little of us. If, however, you fall into the horny pattern of repeating your no-strings sex, you need to establish some boundaries, especially if you ever see one another outside of the bedroom. At this point, you need to say something like, “Are you cool with keeping this casual? No big deal if you aren’t, I just want to be on the same page because that’s what I’m looking for.” And then if you crazy kids continue to engage in unattached sexcapades, set more specific rules, and

accept that it won’t be the last time you talk about them. Casual sex does require some work, after all.

5 Don’t linger

Prolonged proximity leads to intimacy, whether you like it or not. If you hang out with someone long enough, you become friends, and then you’re friends who are regularly sleeping together and spending the subsequent day together, and then boom! The next thing you know, you’re at the supermarket buying them a cheesy Valentine’s Day card. I’m not suggesting you grab your pants and do a Mission Impossible style dive out of the nearest window on the fifth floor the moment you’re finished orgasming. I’m just saying that breakfast is intimate, as is cuddling together for hours watching a series, and intimacy and casualness tend to extinguish one another.

6 Read the room

Most hookups don’t start with someone coming up to another person and asking, “Would you be down to have some sex tonight with no expectations for the future and no commitment whatsoever? I’m thinking we do it for about four to six months and slowly let it taper out as we find other people that we’re actually into.” That’s not to discourage you from being open or direct, but to warn you of what casual sex requires. (Like all sex, it requires full, enthusiastic consent). In a casual relationship, however, someone may never explicitly end things with you. They may never tell you that they don’t want you to stay over after sex. If they’re a friend or acquaintance, you both may have to renegotiate your friendship a bit after you’ve slept together. You may need to navigate weird situations like what role you play at their birthday. Part of the agreement is that because things are so casual, a lot of communication is done with broad strokes and surface-level emotions, rather than long, sit-down, emotional conversations. Don’t ask for that, and don’t expect it.

7 Don’t make it weird

The two of you aren’t dating. You have no more say in who they choose to be in a relationship with than you do in what they wear. (I mean, you don’t get a say on what your partner wears when you’re dating, either). You only get to set your boundaries, and hopefully, that meshes with their expectations, too. Don’t get possessive. Don’t publicise that you two are hooking up. Don’t start going the extra mile by offering to pick up their parents from the airport, which sets up a dynamic that once again replicates dating. Just be cool, put in a moderate amount of effort, and have fun.