Are you in a toxic relationship?
get out of it – fast!
It’s not always easy to spot the signs of emotional abuse, especially if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, as the abuse is often subtle and progressive. Dr Sarah Davies, psychologist and author of Never Again: Moving On From Narcissistic Abuse and Other Toxic Relationships, sheds some light.
The subtle signs of abuse
Abusive relationships, narcissistic abuse, in particular, can also be referred to as ‘invisible abuse’, as emotional and psychological abuse doesn’t leave physical marks. “In many ways, this makes it more dangerous, as it’s harder to spot,” says Dr Sarah Davies. If you suspect you’re being manipulated by your partner, look for subtle signs, including feeling undermined or unsupported. “Abusive relationships can be up and down, on and o, and leave you feeling drained, tired or emotionally exhausted. Feeling unsafe, threatened, or that your partner is unpredictable or unreliable, are all signs of a toxic relationship.” You may have started to second-guess yourself and wonder if you’re imagining things. You may miss the warning signs if your abuser showers you with romance, gifts, compliments, apologies and promises to overcompensate. Your head is probably spinning with a whirlwind of emotions. “But it’s important to stay grounded while you try to keep up with what’s happening,” she says. “Be realistic about how you’re being treated.”
Healthy vs. toxic relationships
When you’re in a healthy relationship, you feel supported, and your partner is willing to accept you, baggage and all. A toxic relationship is the opposite of this. “Other signs of an abusive relationship include having a partner who suggests that any issues or problems within the relationship are your fault,” says Dr Davies. The truth is, it’s never solely down to you because relationships take two people. “Watch out for abusive behaviours, such as criticism, noshows, guilt-tripping, shaming, manipulation and lies, usually followed by a show of love and remorse.”
Are you being gaslighted?
Gaslighting refers to a particular kind of psychological abuse, where a partner may, in a variety of ways, deny, accuse, undermine, suggest, or cause you to doubt yourself.
Dr Davies says this is common, and that in extreme cases, it can leave you feeling like you’re going mad. “Many people I’ve worked with at my clinical practice have said that looking back, they had a nagging feeling, call it a gut instinct, that they were being mistreated, but still allowed their abusive partner to justify or rationalise their negative behaviour. You can always rely on your gut instinct: if you have a feeling something’s o, then it probably is. “The trick is to learn how to pay attention to it. It can be helpful to reach out and talk things through with a trusted friend, family member or therapist.”
How to stand up for yourself
Your first step should be to equip yourself with useful information about narcissistic abuse and techniques such as gaslighting. “If you increase your awareness, you can do something to change your situation. Talking to friends, family or a professional can also help you to recognise it,” advises Dr Davies. Standing up for yourself requires selfconfidence and trust in your belief that you’re doing the right thing. “How you feel is real to you – you’re entitled to that,” she adds. This speaks to having healthy boundaries, which will help you feel more self-assured and comfortable about your feelings, wants and needs.
Boundaries are necessary
“Healthy relationships rely on healthy boundaries, which are also there to protect you from having to put up
“Abusive relationships can
be up and down, on and off, and leave you feeling drained, tired and
emotionally exhausted”
with bullying. Dr Davies says clear boundaries are accompanied by a consequence: the ones you set should reflect your values, as well as what’s important to you, and you must communicate what will happen if someone disrespects these boundaries. “For example, if you value being spoken to respectfully, then you could say, ‘It’s not OK when you shout at me’, followed by the consequences of it happening again, ‘If you shout at me again, I won’t engage in conversation with you. I’ll only talk to you if you speak to me more politely.’ If the shouting continues, then it’s down to you to action your boundary and do what you said you would, whether that means refusing to engage with that person or leaving the room entirely. Boundaries let other people know which behaviours you won’t accept. That doesn’t necessarily mean the other person will stop doing it or change who they are – setting boundaries isn’t about trying to control other people – however, consequences make it clear what will happen if they continue to do something that upsets you. Consider boundaries in terms of a range of behaviours within a relationship, including communication. Telling someone how you feel about cheating, lying or being disrespected can be an empowering experience.
Work on your mental health
According to Dr Davies, working on your self-confidence and esteem, practising self-care and improving personal boundaries can help shift the dynamic of a toxic relationship. “You should aim to better yourself and to improve your wellbeing, rather than use it as a means to try and manipulate or control your partner or ask them to change who they are.” Doing it for the wrong reasons can lead to co-dependent behaviour, which is unhealthy for your relationship. “If your partner is narcissistic or manipulative, they’ll probably be able to charm the therapist easily, and will attempt to get them on their side,” she says. It takes a highly skilled therapist to work with narcissists, especially if they’ve come for counselling with the victim of their abuse. “I’ve heard of instances when a narcissist will readily put on an act in front of the counsellor, but behind closed doors the abuse doesn’t stop,” Dr Davies adds. Therefore, she recommends having therapy on your own, as well as with your partner.
Walking away
Not only is it possible to walk away, but Dr Davies also says it’s necessary. “This involves stepping up your self-esteem, confidence and self-care, and it also means taking personal responsibility for your wellbeing and happiness.” A toxic relationship takes a toll on your mental health, but the moment you remove yourself from it, you can regain perspective and wellbeing quickly. “That will further highlight how toxic your relationship was, and how much better o you are without it,” she concludes.