What’s your love language?
How five millennials discovered theirs
Masego Malihlaba
Single
Love language: Words of Affirmation
There were times when I’d be down and my ex wouldn’t know what to attribute this to, so he would try to lift my spirits. There was also constant miscommunication, and when I asked for something hewouldeitherbeunresponsiveornonchalantabout it. That’s when I knew we were speaking di erent languages. Initially, I accepted, and settled for, what I received because I thought everyone was di erent and I didn’t have to force someone to understand me. This was the case until I discovered love languages – I’d say it was an eye-opening experience and communication between us improved. I was also more aware of what I wanted and needed from my relationships. In retrospect, I know why some of the relationships that had potential never worked; they would always be missing something. I don’t ever want my time wasted and to risk not having my needs met by a partner who has no intention of learning my love language. And because my love language is Words of Armation, I’ve found most of the men I’ve dated have diculty expressing their emotions, and reassuring me verbally. I’m still learning and I appreciate the journey, but most importantly, I’ve learnt that you shouldn’t forcefully project your love language onto your partner. It’s not a plug and play; it’s a process that involves two people.
Edwain Steenkamp In a relationship
Love language: Acts of Service
I never understood (or cared about) love languages, until I started dating seriously in my late-twenties. Going on dates and trying to build relationships, I was often told that I seemed aloof, because according to them, I didn’t express my emotions or desires explicitly, and equally bad for them, I didn’t show enough physical a ection. I felt very self-aware about this, and like I was somehow letting others down. I even started thinking that perhaps I really was aloof! It was when I heard of the term ‘love languages’, and after doing some research, that I realised my love language is Acts of Service, i.e. I show my love to others by helping alleviate their burdens and stresses. Knowing this about myself was crucial because it also helped me navigate my way through the dating world. I know that I do show love and a ection adequately – just not in the way that many people want, or see as conventional. I realise it’s important to look for someone who appreciates the way you show love, and not try to change that to what their expectations are.This knowledge also helped increase my awareness and understanding that people give and receive love in di erent ways, and that we need to be open to putting our expectations aside and allow people to demonstrate their love in the way that is unique and authentic to them. I also discovered that I like to receive love through Words of Armation, i.e. words of praise and appreciation, as well as thoughtful and meaningful conversations. But that being said, my partner shows love through quality time, and that is still precious and beautiful to me because it’s authentic and organic. So the most important thing I’ve learned about love languages is to express your love authentically, and always allow your partner to do the same.
Arthur Mukhari In a relationship
Love language: Words of Affirmation
I discovered my love language about two years ago when I got into a relationship. When I was a child, I would feel fuzzy inside whenever I received a compliment or words of encouragement. My mother used to tell me I was needy, which was really confusing for me because I always thought it was her responsibility to a rm me. I didn’t realise then that it was her way of preparing me for the real world. Even though she would rarely compliment me, when she did, I would throw a little party for myself because that was the only thing that made my heart smile. Knowing my love language has been beneficial to my relationships because my people actually know what kind of person I am. Hearing that I’m loved, being complimented and constantly reassured, really means a lot to me, despite how I was raised, which was to be tough and strong. My love language allows me to be vulnerable, which is a quality I struggled with before. This character trait actually helps me be the best version of myself, and I also get to transfer that energy to the rest of the world. I’m also more self-aware as a result of discovering my love language, and I’m able to suss out the BS and see people for who they are and their true intentions. I try to accommodate others by learning their love languages because I’m a firm believer in reassurance and making people feel comfortable in their own skin. Knowing your partner’s love language gives you the communication platform to explain what’s most important to meet their emotional needs, and also gives you the insight to figure out what’s important to them, so that you can navigate the relationship and also address theirs.
Nonku Hlophe In a relationship
Love language: Acts of Service
I find the concept of love languages very interesting. I recently embarked on a journey to discover mine, which started with an online quiz. The results revealed that Acts of Service is my primary love language, followed by Words of A rmation. This discovery helped me verbalise how I prefer to express and receive love, and provides context to how I’ve been navigating my relationships. It’s clear to me now that I’ve always preferred Acts of Service, but I didn’t know it. Now that I’m aware of my love language, I’m able to use it to my advantage, and I’m particularly happy to use the love languages as a reference going forward. I think it’s important to express yourself correctly so your loved ones know how to love you in a way you’ll appreciate. I believe that this provides a secure base for your relationships and lets them thrive.
“I’m a firm believer in reassurance and making people feel comfortable in their own skin”
– Arthur Mukhari
Cody Hartman
Engaged
Love language: Acts of Service
Acts of Service is my primary love language. Before I discovered my love language, I navigated relationships by just going with the flow and would explode when I felt too pressured to do certain things. Knowing my love language really changed my perspective on my relationship and it allows me to work on certain areas that I wasn’t aware needed attention before. I have definitely become more selfaware because you actually understand the way your partner operates. I try to accommodate others by speaking their love languages. The online quiz helps you become more accommodating of others because it gives you insight into dierent types of people that have dierent love languages. The importance of love languages in relationships is definitely finding various ways to show and communicate your love to each other.
Balegugu Ndlovu
Single
Love language: Words of Affirmation and Quality Time
After multiple failed romantic relationships looking for my ideal someone, I learnt that it’s important to know and understand myself first. To understand how I need to be loved as well as how my preferred partner needs to be loved. It’s all about reciprocation, right? Having emotional needs fulfilled and being able to confidently fulfil the needs of those I love is heartwarming. Understanding something makes navigating it so much easier. I like to think of it as like driving a car. If you know where you’re going, there’s no need to waste data on GPS navigation. Similarly, if you understand yourself and your partner’s love languages, it makes the relationship much healthier and a lot more exciting. You’ll find you’re able to avoid wastage by making the right eorts and loving your partner in a way they’ll appreciate. They may even be motivated to learn to love you better. I’m definitely more self-aware since discovering my love language – I believe each past relationship happened to teach me something about myself and how I need to be loved, but also how to be patient and learn to compromise, reciprocate and speak the love language. I believe love languages don’t just end with romantic relationships, they play a role in friendships too. The saying ‘check on your strong friends’ should be taken seriously, because even friends we consider ‘strong’ have a love language. We get so caught up in our day-to-day lives that we don’t really take the time to nurture our relationships with our friends. It’s so easy to be selfish and expect our friends, boyfriend or girlfriend to be the ones to call and maintain the relationship. It’s a two-way street. Be curious about the people you love, and love them right! Knowing your love language is essential because it gives you the chance to explain what’s most important to meet your emotional needs, and also the insight to figure out what’s important to your loved ones so you can best meet their emotional needs.