Ways to say you need alone time
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?
At the beginning of the pandemic, we had way too much time. Yes, this newfound time was scary, but it was also a rare opportunity to connect with our loved ones or housemates. Maybe leisurely chats over morning coffee were a new possibility, or a shared love for reality TV emerged. But here’s the thing: we’re now a few months into the pandemic, and we’re all still, well, together. Even if you’re someone who’s returned to work and other activities, a lot of your time probably still involves your home and the people with whom you live. It’s normal to crave more solo time.
But how do you tell your favourite lockdown partner that you want to watch Love Island alone? Or explain to your beloved that, although you’re happy they enjoy your morning workout, exercise has always been something you do solo? It can be hard to let people know you need space – especially when you genuinely enjoy having them around. Below, you’ll find a few things to keep in mind as you prepare to talk to your partner about getting alone time during the pandemic.
01 Figure out what alone time looks like for you
“Fulfilled, happy, and whole people make good partners,” says Dr Cicely Horsham-brathwaite, a psychologist and mindset coach. “And sometimes to feel that way, we need to be with ourselves emotionally or physically.” That said, alone time means different things to different people, she explains. Do you need to leave your house, preferring to take a leisurely hike? Or are you happiest when you’re sitting in the same room with your partner without speaking? Maybe alone time means putting on noise-cancelling headphones and zoning out for a while? Before you have a conversation about your ‘need for space’, have an honest conversation with yourself to figure that out so you can articulate it intentionally.
02 And be specific about what you’re asking
Often, in a fit of frustration, we can throw around phrases such as ‘I need space’. But the term ‘space’ can conjure up anything from an afternoon soak in the bathtub to a full-on breakup.
When you approach your partner about needing a little time to yourself, be honest and specific about your needs (see tip #1). Doing this mitigates some of the anxiousness that can come up when you explain that you need a bit of space .
03 It doesn’t mean you want emotional distance
Even if you’re super-clear that you only need ‘a minute’ and you’ll come back to snuggle right away, it’s possible you may be living with someone who doesn’t need (or particularly understand) alone time. That doesn’t mean, however, that you don’t deserve some time to yourself. It does mean that you should approach them with heaps of compassion and refrain from speaking in a way that might make him or her feel like you think their approach to the relationship is wrong. “Some people recharge with alone time, but others may feel like they recharge by being around people,” says Dr Vernessa Roberts, a counselling psychologist.
04 Make your reunion a special one
Planning and communicating are especially important if your partner has an anxious attachment style, Dr Harshom-brathwaite says. “To have a partner say ‘I need space’ can intensify their anxiety, so I think one of the ways to balance that is to add some planning to it,” she says. She also says that you can plan quality time leading up to your ‘alone time’ or make your reunion an event. She suggests you pack a picnic to reconnect or dance together in the living room – something to reaffirm that your couple time is as valued as the time you spend apart. “Space enhances the relationship,” Roberts says.