How to be assertive
Being more confident and assertive, at work and in life, can benefit you personally and professionally.
Communicating assertively isn’t easy for most of us, at least not all the time and in every situation. Assertiveness is the skill of effective communication and negotiation. Being assertive means being able to stand up for what you believe is right, ask for what you want, and say no to what you don’t want, in a way that’s confident, calm and respectful.
Being assertive
A man who asserts himself in the workplace may be considered confident, worthy or powerful, but people tend to think a woman who does it as dominant or aggressive. That leaves us with two
choices: to either speak up, expressing what we really want but risking rejection and the byproduct of guilt, or to communicate passively. We may start to communicate aggressively to make ourselves feel powerful and alleviate our deeper insecurities or passiveaggressively, allowing us to express our anger or hurt without having to take responsibility for it.
How to do it
Assertive people are firm without being aggressive or rude. They defend their ideas, but they’re open to compliments and constructive criticism. Assertiveness is a skill you must build and develop over time. Becoming more assertive takes sustained effort and commitment. So, start small. Work on asserting yourself in situations where the stakes are lower. As you improve and it becomes more natural, slowly work up to situations where the stakes are higher. Here are some ideas:
• Make imperfect decisions. When you have a trivial joint decision to make – such as deciding which restaurant to go to with a friend or partner – pick the first thing that comes to mind and say that’s where you want to go. Don’t worry if you’re not totally sure if that’s where you really want to go or how the other person may or may not feel.
• Ask your waiter to be seated at a different table to the one they suggest.
• Stop apologising when you haven’t done anything wrong.
• Get comfortable with saying no. Understand that you’re going to feel uncomfortable afterwards and that the whole point is to build up your tolerance for that discomfort.
• Stop trying to manage how other people feel. Instead of offering solutions or doing things to try and make people feel better, try just acknowledging that they’re having
a hard time, then leaving it at that. If you’re worried being assertive will warp your personality, change your mindset. Your wants and needs are as important as everyone else’s. Being assertive requires that you change your body language and verbal articulation – many people find this difficult and feel trapped by their passive behaviour.
Learning and using assertive behaviour
Learn and use assertive body language to back up your assertive words physically. Many women unknowingly use shy or submissive body language, undermining their words. If your body language doesn’t match your spoken words, they’ll have no impact. Changing your body language acts as reinforcement to your words.
• Look people in the eye when you’re talking to them and avoid breaking eye contact too quickly. It signals to people that you don’t have the confidence to hold their gaze. A rule of thumb is to count to three before looking away.
• Hold your head high, keep your back straight pull your shoulders back, and avoid doing anything that means you take up less space. Confident people are happy to take up all the space they need.
• A handshake’s the universal body language of business; so, make sure yours is firm.
• Look out for verbal ticks that can signal a lack of confidence. Commit to expressing your thoughts without apologies or caveats, and communicate your ideas confidently to ensure they’re heard.
The benefits of learning to be more assertive
There are too many to list them all, but here are a few of the most common and compelling reasons to work on becoming assertive:
• You decrease your social anxiety and your need for approval.
• By developing skills in expressing your beliefs, wants and needs directly and respectfully, you gain valuable evidence that you don’t need to worry as much about disapproval as you might think.
• You become less resentful of others.
• When you communicate with people in an unhelpful way, you project your disappointment with yourself for not being honest onto other people, via
“Stop apologising when you haven’t done anything wrong”
frustration and resentment.
• You improve your relationships.
• Most relationship problems are due to a breakdown in communication. All communication problems boil down to assertiveness. But when you learn how to communicate assertively with your spouse or romantic partner, just about every aspect of your relationships improves.
• You increase your self-confidence and self-respect.
Every time you don’t express what’s important to you, you communicate to your mind that your wishes aren’t important. But if you’re willing to express how you feel and what you want, you reinforce the idea that you’re important and valuable. That’s the ultimate source of genuine selfconfidence and self-respect.