It’s OK to hit pause on your goals
Hint: stop trying to plan!
iIn the six or so months since the new coronavirus pandemic began, I’ve gotten kind of used to a lot of what some are calling the ‘new normal’. I’ve more or less embraced WFH life. I’ve begrudgingly accepted Zoom therapy. I now own a large collection of fashionable animal print masks. But one thing I haven’t adjusted to, no matter how hard I try, is how impossible it still feels to plan for the future – or to even imagine what my future might look like.
As someone with entire spreadsheets dedicated to mapping out present and future plans and goals, I’m struggling with this. A lot. I can’t stand not being able to decide whether I should see my family over the festive season this year. I’ve gone back and forth a million times on whether to postpone my plans to apply to university, not knowing what the world will look like next summer.
I’ve pulled my hair out trying to decide what my next book should be because who knows what’ll be helpful or obsolete by the time it comes out? I’ve toiled away in therapy sessions trying to piece together a plan for how to move forward in any realm of my life with even a shred of confidence.
I’m clearly doing great.
But OK. You don’t have to be as type-a as me to be feeling stuck and miserable amid this pandemic. People don’t do well with uncertainty, as therapists have told me countless times over the past six months as I’ve reported on mental health and the pandemic. Whether you consider yourself a ‘planner’ or not, it’s unlikely that the pandemic hasn’t left you feeling uncertain about at least some aspect of your future, whether it’s planning a wedding, making a career change, having kids, or just fearing for the state of your relationships, finances, or mental wellbeing.
As a mental health writer, one of my first instincts is always to find answers. And as much as I’d love to be able to write an article like 9 Useful Tips for Anyone Trying to Plan for the Future Amid a Pandemic, what I’m realising is that for many of us, the best thing to do is to just stop planning. At least, for now.
Taking things ‘one day at a time’ is common advice that I’ve often found cheesy and hard to implement. But I think I’m finally getting it. Because a therapist will tell you to focus on what you can control to deal with uncertainty, but what about the future? Plus, it’s easier to fall into a worst-case scenario than it is to think, ‘Hey, what are all the ways things could work out for me?’ At this point, aren’t we just torturing ourselves? There’s no way that trying and failing to figure out the unknowable isn’t leading to lots more anxiety, stress, hopelessness, anger and pain.
So, I don’t know who needs to hear this (I do, I need to hear it) but it’s OK to hit pause. It’s OK to decide to revisit certain goals or future plans at an unspecified date down the line. It’s OK to accept that you’re not going to accomplish very much or do very much or change very much for the foreseeable future. It’s OK to tell your brain to shut up when it starts to wonder things like, ‘What if my life never looks the same again?’ It’s OK to embrace a sense of tunnel vision where you only look as far ahead as the next month, or the next week, or the next day, or the next hour. Tunnel vision, I think, is our friend right now.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s easy. But the first step is permitting yourself.
I once wrote about the importance of lowering your expectations: ‘We’re simply not going to be at our best right now, or our healthiest or most welladjusted, and pretending otherwise will only add insult to injury.’ And honestly, it’s been difficult to accept that I need to embrace this sentiment for much longer than I first anticipated.
But many of us need to keep on committing to self-compassion and loosened expectations – even if it means pushing against your urge to plan ahead and instead take things one day at a time. We can figure everything else out later.
“We’re simply not going to be at our best right now, or at our healthiest...”