envy or jealousy needn’t sabotage your friendship.

That doesn’t mean you’re a bad friend.

there’s a good chance this has happened to you: someone you love receives great news – maybe they’re having a baby, or they’ve scored their dream job. You’re happy for them, genuinely, but there’s a little sourness draped over your excitement. A small voice says, “I wish it were me” or “Ugh, why do things always work out for them?”

Honestly, it’s painful to long for something your loved one has when you really want to cheer them on. And when these emotions crop up in our friendships, it’s hard to know what to do. To begin with, let’s clear up a misconception: you may not be experiencing jealousy at all.

“Jealousy usually involves three people,” the American Psychological Association explains in its definition of the emotion. Typically, it occurs when you resent someone else for seemingly taking away your beloved’s attention or affection. Envy, on the other hand, happens when you’re coveting someone else’s accomplishments, accolades or possessions, the APA explains, neither of

“Ugh, why do things always work out for them?”

which make you a bad person.

Whether you call it jealousy, envy or something else, “it can be a normal feeling”, says licensed marriage and family therapist Dr Vernessa Roberts. But she poses the following question: what are you going to do with that [feeling]? Your answer can take envy and jealousy from perfectly natural emotions to something that can complicate your friendships.

So, if you’re dealing with jealousy or envy and you don’t know what to do, read the following tips for managing your emotions.

Admit your feelings to yourself in the third person.

If the thought of telling your friend that you’re bothered by their good fortune makes you panic, don’t worry – you don’t have to do that. What you should do, however, is tell yourself the truth. Denying that you’re jealous or envious will only make the feelings fester, and that’s not good for you or your friendship. Instead, check in with yourself and keep it real. Then, tell yourself it’s OK.

When you’re looking to have a conversation with yourself, counselling psychologist and friendship expert Dr Marisa G Franco says using the third person can help you “feel more empowered or have more distanced from thoughts”. If you’re feeling angst about your envy, using your name might help make it feel less personal. Instead of saying, “On the happiest day of my best friend’s life, I’m sitting here envious and bitter”, you might speak of yourself as though you are someone else: “[Your first name] is feeling envious right now because, as her best friend achieves this major milestone, [your first name] realises that she feels stagnant and is afraid things won’t change for her.” See how the third person makes it slightly more compassionate? Once you admit your feelings, you can practise soothing yourself in the same way you’d comfort a friend.

Why are you feeling this way?

There are many emotions you can feel when you’re facing a given circumstance. Why? Because even negative emotions aren’t off-limits. Your

feelings are a form of information, says counselling psychologist and mindset coach Dr Cicely Horsham-brathwaite when discussing rage. In this case, your jealousy or envy is telling you something: “More often than not, it’s a reflection on ourselves, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad one,” Dr Roberts explains. “It could just be reflecting what we’re feeling about ourselves at the time, where we think we are in life, and maybe where we think we should be.”

If you can suspend judgment and explore those feelings, you may find out you have desires and aspirations you didn’t know existed. And, maybe, you can devise a plan to get what you want.

Resist the urge to act out.

Often, we don’t engage with feelings such as envy and jealousy because we’re afraid that, by thinking about them, we’re making the feelings worse. However, when we shove those feelings aside, we’re more likely to “act out”, Dr Roberts explains. “We start to behave indirectly and even passiveaggressively,” she says. It’s not unusual to take a step back from a friend when you’re feeling envious, change the subject whenever they provide updates on their good news or even pick a fight. Resist these actions: they could hurt your friendship, and you probably won’t feel great about it either.

Meditation might help.

If your best friend just bought a new home and you’re seething with envy, meditation might seem like an unlikely recommendation. But it comes back to that whole ‘acknowledging feelings’ thing. “[Meditation involves] being able to be still in some of your thoughts, and really allowing space for that selfcompassion,” Dr Roberts says. You might opt for a guided meditation, or you can listen to your breath and practise observing your thoughts as they go by. This might feel weird at first, but it can help you resist the urge to take your envious thoughts too seriously.

Remember how much you value your friendship.

It’s reasonable to both be happy for your friend and wish you were in the same boat. However, when we’re dealing with conflicting emotions, there’s a tendency for us to focus on one more than the other. Instead of doing that, you might acknowledge your jealousy and remind yourself how much you value your friendship. Reminding yourself of the good times you’ve shared, and the support you both provide to each other can help you focus on what’s important.

Support your friend.

Typically, if you hide your emotions and try to push them aside, your support can feel disingenuous. Once you’ve allowed yourself to be open, you can talk through ways you can show up for your friend that feel right to both of you. Let’s be honest: talking about this will feel foreign in some friendships, so it might make more sense to figure out how to support them on your own. If you’re trying to be there for your pregnant friend while grappling with fertility issues, you might not be the best person to accompany them to a doctor’s appointment. But there may be other ways you can help.

It’s OK to create boundaries around how much you interact with your friend on specific topics – you might mute them on social media even if you love them, opting to check in with them another way when you have the emotional bandwidth. You’re still a good friend if you find ways to manage your comfort while lending a hand.

conversations around wellness have taken centre stage, and now’s as good a time as any to prioritise your wellbeing. It doesn’t have to be a long-term goal, but you can start aligning yourself and unlocking your potential right now. “Benefits of prioritising your wellbeing include healthy energy levels, mental clarity, resilience and emotional fulfilment,” Noa explains. Therefore, shifting your focus inward will help you perform at your best. Finding a practice you can easily incorporate into your lifestyle makes wellness more accessible, setting you up for success. Below, Noa unpacks what each approach entails, and its benefits, adding that they all have one function in common: “To stimulate the calming, restorative branch of your nervous system, growing your ability to live in a grounded, heartfelt way.”

Become more mindful

Mindfulness means being present, enhancing your ability to live in the moment and appreciate life. Research shows there are many benefits: nourishing a more positive frame of mind, improving emotional regulation, boosting immunity and improving the quality of sleep.

• Meditation is an effective way to achieve mindfulness. Explore different approaches to find out what works for you.

• Body-based practices such as yoga and qigong (and other martial arts) hone your mindfulness through specific movements, stretches and breathing techniques that integrate a mental-focus component.

• A simple daily practice that can also increase your ability to appreciate the present moment is to pause for a few minutes during your day, paying attention to the here and now. Notice sights, sounds, smells and how your body feels.

do your favourite form of exercise

One benefit of exercise is that you spend time out of your thoughts and in your body due to physical exertion. Because your mind perpetuates your worries, paying attention to your body can offer a welcome relief and boost mental clarity.

Exercise also releases feel-good and empowering biochemicals such as endorphins, dopamine and testosterone to increase your sense of vitality, agility and strength, helping you through the day.

• Find an exercise program that works best for you. There are many different ways to exercise such as running, yoga, pilates, martial arts, swimming and working out at the gym. You’re more likely to keep up your practice if you appreciate it.

• Seek expert advice when starting a new exercise program to ensure it’s suitable for your body’s health profile, level of fitness and mobility.

nourish your heart through meaningful relationships

The ability to emotionally soothe and support each other is an innate human trait (think of how you feel after a heartfelt chat with a dear friend). The feel-good hormone oxytocin is released through this exchange, nicknamed a snuggle or cuddle hormone and a morality molecule. It’s like social glue that binds us, making us want to belong and feel connected whilst also heightening our consideration and care for others. To support this process:

• Carve out quality time for the significant people in your life.

• Allow random acts of kindness and smiles from others to touch you, and be kind to them in return.

• There may be times when seeing a professional counsellor or therapist could help you to work through emotional baggage that might interfere with sincere, heartfelt connections. • There are also meditation practices such as Loving Kindness Meditation, which can, over time, replace habits of negativity with increased compassion toward life.

improve the quality of your sleep

Some people find it hard to fall asleep at night, especially when burdened with stress and a busy mind, due to personal challenges such as work, parenting, finances or chronic illness. Sleep is the best tonic for wellbeing, no matter what you’re going through. It’s important to support yourself, so you can to let go and relax at the end of each day. Sleep experts offer many tips to explore. Here are a few examples:

• Six to eight hours of sleep per night is optimal for adults, even longer for children, depending on their age. That gives your body time for its natural regenerative processes to occur, which are most active during deep sleep. Dreaming also allows for emotional processing of life experience. These aspects combined help you wake up feeling refreshed and ready for a new day.

• Melatonin is a hormone released in the brain that helps you fall asleep at night. As your body produces it in response to darkness, it makes sense to sleep in a room that’s as dark as possible.

• Switching off all electronic devices half an hour before you go to bed can help slow down your mind toward settling down to sleep. You might pick up a book or opt for a relaxing bath, a warm shower or yoga.

• It’s best to finish eating your final meal of the day at least three hours before bedtime. That gives your body time to go through the early stages of digestion before it enters restorative sleep.

Boost your ability to relax

Living in a relaxed manner supports your wellbeing as well as enabling you to fall asleep.

• Pausing regularly to carry out a quick body scan allows you to pick up on areas in your body that hold stress and tension. Take a few moments to breathe into, stretch out and loosen up tight areas, so that your posture feels more open and comfortable. This practice keeps chronic tension at bay.

• Progressive relaxation is a technique you can try to increase physical relaxation at any time of day or night. Tense and relax each part of your body in turn, from head to toe. You can also add conscious breathing, breathing for a slow count of four or five as you gradually tense up a particular area. Then, breathe out for a little longer, concentrating on relaxing.

• If you need more help to relax, there are many resources available to help, such as a relaxation or meditation app.

For more practical tips, read Noa’s book, The Happiness Workout (R480, loot.co.za), or visit noabelling.com