Therapist-approved tips for fighting fair

Hint: Stop trying to win.

if you’ve stopped to read this article about fighting fair, there’s a chance it’s a skill you’d like to strengthen. Maybe you’re someone who never argues because you think the easiest path to harmony is never voicing concerns. Or perhaps you’re quick-tempered, and minor disagreements often turn into all-out war. No matter what type of fighter you are, you’ll probably find advice here.

Whether you fight a lot or never, it’s important to remember the following: disagreements are a natural part of relating to others. Occasional conflicts “deepen relationships, if you can have them with empathy,” says counselling psychologist and friendship expert Dr Marisa G Franco. “Our relationships reach a new level of intimacy when we realise that we can be truthful and upfront about [issues], even when it comes to hard things.”

However, the key is to fight with the same care and intention you use to express love. Below, relationship therapists share tips to help with fighting fair.

1. Take a breath

If you’re mad as hell (and you’re not going to take it anymore), one of the best things you can do is try to take a deep breath and remind yourself of your ultimate goal here. You might practise diaphragmatic breathing to activate your rest-and-digest response (the opposite of stress response). For instance, you can put one hand on your chest and the other on your stomach, then breathe in and out slowly through your nose. Doing this allows you to calm down and see the situation more holistically. “Zoom out and consider the other person’s needs alongside your own,’’ Dr Franco says. “If you can zoom out and say, ‘This is what my partner needs, this is what I need, and this is what makes sense for both of us right now,’ you’ll approach the conflict more like a team.”

2.

Consider scheduling your Conflict Conversation

A solid way to avoid an unfair fight is to tell your partner that you’d like to discuss a particular problem in advance – it’s the opposite of an ambush. Dr Emily Jamea says that casually setting aside time to discuss specific issues allows your partner to think about them

too. In doing this, they can (hopefully) approach the conversation with vulnerability instead of feeling attacked. Another idea? Settling disagreements via email can give partners time to organise their thoughts and articulate them with compassion.

3. stick To The issue

In the heat of the moment, it’s tempting to pack every issue you’ve ever experienced into one epic fight. That’s overwhelming for the person you’re arguing with, and it’s not a productive way to talk about why you’re mad. Instead of ‘kitchen sinking’, it’s better to stay focused on the one point you want to address, Dr Jamea says, especially if the goal is to get to a workable solution.

4. don’t fight To win

After you remind yourself that you and your partner are on the same team, it’s helpful to try and suspend the urge to defeat your partner in battle. Your relationship isn’t “a dictatorship, and it’s not a democracy because there are two of you, so that leaves you with a compromise,” Dr Jamea explains. (Even if there are more than two of you in your relationship, compromise is the best way to make sure all parties feel heard.) “Ask yourself how balanced compromise feels in your relationship,” Dr Jamea says. Real winning will probably involve working together.

5.

Try To be receptive To each other’s Concerns

“Try to take a deep breath and listen to what your partner is saying (even when it’s challenging)”

What do you do if your partner approaches you about an issue they’re having, and they want to discuss it? Or maybe you’ve come to the argument all riled up, but your partner has a solid explanation. No matter who’s talking, it can be hard to remain open and receptive when you’re upset. “When we blow off our partner, minimise their concerns, or we’re dismissive about [what they’re saying], they’ll end up having to bring it up to us several times,” Dr Jamea says. “And every time they bring it up, it might get louder and louder,” which can turn a minor issue into a significant relationship problem. Instead of dismissing concerns or ignoring them, try to take a deep breath and listen to what your partner is saying (even when it’s challenging).

6. repeat what you hear

One of the best ways to remain open is to repeat your partner’s statements so that they feel heard, understood and can clarify if necessary, Dr Franco says. So you might say, “What I’m hearing is that you feel upset when you ask me to do something around the house and I never follow through.” This small tip allows each of you to strive for mutual understanding and common ground. It’s also helpful when things get tense, Dr Franco says. Sometimes hearing something back can be enough to interrupt someone’s tendency to say something hurtful.

7. use ‘i’ statements

It’s a go-to for any difficult conversation. When you frame unfavourable feedback about the other person, it can come off as critical instead of constructive. Using statements that focus on you can help the comments feel less harsh. Before you get too creative with ‘I’ statements, note that they shouldn’t include things like “I hate it when...” Instead, try phrases like, “When X happens, I feel Y.” This doesn’t eliminate all possible tension, but it can help your partner understand how you might be experiencing certain behaviours without coming off as unnecessarily judgmental or critical.

8. find Common ground.

Acknowledge when you agree with (or at least understand) where the other person is coming from. “Typically, when we unpack thoughts and feelings we have around a certain issue, we can identify areas that we overlap,” Dr Jamea explains. “And if we do that, it’s easier to compromise and come up with a solution.”

leave snark and namecalling at The door

It might seem like a no-brainer, but common sense can disappear when tempers flare. To that end, try to refrain from hitting below-the-belt or speaking in diminishing, disrespectful or downright abusive ways. Being mean might feel satisfying in the moment, but it detracts from any resolution you’re aiming for, and it can cause lasting relationship damage.

10. an aftercare ritual

Aftercare might involve make-up sex, handholding, hugging in silence or simply asking each other questions designed to restore intimacy and connection. “Any time you’re having a strong emotional response, something that looks like a version of aftercare could be helpful,” Dr Powell says.