TOXIC POSITIVITY
Having a positive attitude is great, but always looking on the bright side can harm your health.
Positivity is thriving. Thousands of books, countless blogs and news stories, untold quantities of internet memes, parades of motivational speakers and legitimate science all sing the praises of happiness and positive thinking.
Whether we’re scrolling on social media or chatting with friends face to face, many of us feel pressure to come across as though we’re always living our best lives. But sometimes, hiding your real feelings behind fake happiness can backfire.
“Everything will be fine.” “This too shall pass.” “Stay positive! It could be worse.” If you’ve ever gone through a difficult time, you’ve probably heard some of these phrases uttered by friends and family, who no doubt have good intentions, but all this does is put a bright filter on the tough time you’re having. “It gets better, so stay optimistic,” they assure you. But if statements like these are all you’re hearing from your friends and family, that excess of positivity can be, well, harmful. This sort of encouragement and self-talk is so common that mental health experts have a name for it: toxic positivity.
“This is the mindset that, even when faced with hardship, people should always maintain a positive attitude, all-or-nothing behaviour, positivity at all costs. Whilst people often share toxic positivity with the best intentions, it lacks compassion and can shut down opportunities for authentic connection and human emotional experiences,” says clinical psychologist Dr Carla Dukas.
“There’s a misconception that being mentally healthy means being happy all the time, and that adversity should be met with a smile. Optimum mental health comes from feeling and acknowledging the full range of emotions, which includes those that are easy to feel (these are usually referred to as ‘positive’), such as happiness and excitement, as well as those that are difficult to experience (these are often referred to as ‘negative’), such as anger, anxiety or sadness. I prefer not to assign the value labels positive or negative to these feelings, as they’re all equally valid and useful.”
Toxic positivity manifests in various forms: when something bad has happened, do you remind yourself to be positive because everything happens for a reason, or because it could be worse? Do you try to distract yourself to get over it?
The reason toxic positivity is harmful is that it can leave us or others feeling bad about feeling bad. In other words, it undermines rather than validates our feelings, which ends up making us feel worse. Sometimes being super-positive may lead to you feeling a sense of pressure and stress to keep things
‘up’ for yourself. However, if forced, a self-motivated mood boost can do the opposite of its intended purpose.
“It can actually increase feelings of loneliness, isolation and feeling blue if you continue to ignore the true emotions you’re feeling in favour of blindly putting a positive spin on the situation. Whilst having an optimistic outlook can be a powerful way to cope, it can also be dangerous when done in excess. Trying to trick yourself into believing that you’re happy or not affected when experiencing a low point in your life won’t make a bad situation disappear,” warns Dr Dukas.
The message is that everything will be OK, that we should look on the bright side no matter what has gone into overdrive since the beginning of the Covid-19 pandemic. During the lockdowns, we were encouraged to write a novel, learn a new language, increase our skillset and find our zen, which left many of us feeling we were somehow failing if we weren’t doing those or achieving anything positive during that time.
“The need to suppress unpleasant feelings – grief, anger, sadness – can be pressing for people who believe the notion of toxic positivity. Such people may end up feeling even worse, as they’re more likely to judge themselves for experiencing a ‘bad’ feeling. They may also start questioning their functionality and acceptability as a person.
“We often feel guilty or ashamed about what we perceive to be negative emotions. We’ve been programmed to think negative emotions are a hindrance and can make us less productive.
“Although positive emotions are worth cultivating, problems arise when people start believing they must be upbeat all the time. Unpleasant feelings are just as crucial as enjoyable ones in helping you make sense of life’s ups and downs,” says Dr Dukas.
She explains that one of the primary reasons we have emotions in the first place is to help us evaluate our experiences. Taking the good and the bad together may detoxify the bad experiences, allowing you to derive meaning out of them in a way that supports psychological wellbeing. Instead of backing away from negative emotions, acknowledge how you’re feeling without rushing to change your emotional state.
“With toxic positivity, you’ll end up becoming numb and find yourself a prisoner of this positive image that
“you can be positive and still have some difficult moments and even bad days”
you must convey at all costs. You’ll struggle to be authentic, and ultimately, this will leave you feeling lost, exhausted and lonely,” says Dr Dukas.
“Emotions aren’t polar opposites. There aren’t wholly positive or wholly negative. Healthy positivity isn’t 100% positive. You can be positive and still have some difficult moments and even bad days. The point is that you can respond to life instead of trying to control it.
“If the emotion is overwhelming, you may want to express how you feel in a journal or to another person. This exercise may shift your perspective and bring a sense of closure. If the discomfort lingers, consider taking action and talking to a mental health professional about how you’re feeling.”