MY BIG FIRST
Whether it’s landing your first job, securing vehicle finance, buying a house, writing a book or having a baby, change can stir up feelings of joy, anxiety or both, depending on your level of readiness. Two readers share their experiences, and experts share advice to help you feel more prepared.
CHE VIGUS
MY FIRST PREGNANCY
I always knew I’d become a mother. My mom, who did everything for me, was a fantastic female role model. Something I’ve learnt from her, and want to pass on to my child, is the importance of having support. Unfortunately, not many people seem to get that from their parents.
Before I fell pregnant, I read about what happens to the body during those nine months, thinking it’d prepare me. But I don’t think you can anticipate what your body goes through when it builds a human. There are new levels of discomfort, pain, disruption to sleep and the way you eat. I can’t speak for everyone, but, for me, it’s been bearable despite all that.
I have just under four weeks left until my due date, and I’m ready to give birth. I’m nervous and excited about the process but terrified, overwhelmed and impatient. It’s a strange combination of feelings, all at the same time. It’s new because I’m the first of my friends to do it and haven’t had the advantage of watching from the sidelines. Having a new person to consider will be life-changing. All I want is for my child to be happy, healthy, enjoy every moment of life, reach their goals and be a decent human being.
LOIS WAGNER
MY FIRST BOOK
It was November 2020, and the excitement I felt when the delivery van pulled up outside is impossible to describe. I’d waited 25 years for that moment. I started writing a journal the night I was brutally attacked, raped, tied up and left to bleed to death, on 30 December 1995. And finally, after many years of journeying and healing, I was ready to share my story. From the day I started writing, I knew I wanted to publish it, get my story out there, and let people know rape is prevalent. And that we must stop it.
That was back when polite circles refused to discuss the word rape, and it was before the #Metoo movement. It didn’t happen to us. I reasoned I’d share the lessons I’d learnt and other peoples’ who’d touched my life by publishing my book, other survivors and people who cared.
Friends and family who read my writing agreed telling my story was necessary. They found it raw and authentic. Survivors of sexual abuse and domestic violence drew some comfort from it. But as the years went by, my journal became a boring diary in which I wrote about my every action and emotion – I no longer wrote about survival and healing.
In 2009, I attended my rapist’s parole hearing (he’d been given a 25-year sentence). And I forgave him. It would also
be a logical conclusion for my book. But I wasn’t ready to publish it yet. I was travelling the world, and my life was busy. My book took a back seat. I made halfhearted attempts many times over the years to publish it, but something always stopped me. My emotions about publishing it yo-yoed. From self-doubt (would my book be good enough?) to fear of rejection (what if no one reads it?), to loneliness (only I can make this decision), to regret and sadness (if only I’d published it earlier). And eventually, to anticipation and joy when I received my printed copies. Finally, in 2020, after I’d left the corporate world, I launched my book. I’d changed its format. It was now part-memoir in a journal format and part-self-help-guide as my experiences as a model of the healing journey.
I share my story and my advice in my talks, teaching and coaching, helping people who’ve suffered abuse and other challenges and adversities to find their roadmap to freedom. I teach resilience, grit, a growth mindset and forgiveness. Walking Without Skin – A Journey of Healing: From Fear to Forgiveness to Freedom by Lois Wagner (R349, loot.co.za)