If Beyoncé has a sex towel, then you need one, too
If Beyoncé has one, then you need one as well
• Sex, when done well, is often a messy disaster.
This is a fact.
Which is why it’s incredible to me that so many people don’t yet own a sex towel. If you have no idea why someone would want such a towel, I worry for the sex you’re having and the people you’re with.
If you don’t already own a towel for this explicit purpose, it’s not (totally) your fault. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the crucially-important sex towel visually represented in the media. Think about it, can you recall a TV or movie scene in which the couple spent a few minutes awkwardly cleaning up? Everyone usually just lies back down on the bed, breathing heavily in that particular we-just-had-sex way, and no one cleans up anything. To which I have so many questions.
Did no one come? Did you just dry hump? Is that why her bra is still on?
Only one woman has been brave enough to tell the truth: Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-carter, who in the song “Partition”, brought us the glorious line, ‘Oh, there daddy, daddy didn’t bring the towel.’ Real human adults are messy when they have sex. Jay-z is using a towel. You aren’t better than the Carters!
Don’t worry, this isn’t a specific type of microfibre, high-tech towel. A sex towel is literally what it sounds like: a towel, but for sex. This means that your raggedy T-shirt, a roll of paper towels, a tissue, an old sock, a pillowcase or any other weird teenage boy holdover that you may think is acceptable, is not. If you want to use those to clean yourself up after a solo jerk sesh, fine, but with two- (or more!) person sex, it’s got to be a proper, designated towel. That means the only job of this towel is cum removal. This is expressly not a beach towel, shower towel, bath mat, hand towel or – god forbid – a dish towel. This is a towel you purchased with the sole, unmistakable purpose of its future occupation as a sex towel.
Here’s how to be a grown ass man who is responsible enough to own a sex clean up towel.
What to look out for
When buying said towel, look for a normal bath towel, or if you’re very fancy, a beach towel (often fluffier and even bigger than a bath towel). Buy it in a colour that’s very obviously different than the other towels you already have. You don’t want to mix this up with your normal shower towel. Avoid white or black, which show all kinds of things that no one needs to see. Maroon or blue are both good choices here. Patterns are even more preferable. No one needs to know what happens on the towel. That’s between the washing machine and god.
Wash it early and often
Now, when you get home from the store, immediately wash your new towel before you use it. Towels often shed little bits everywhere, and finding tiny fuzz in your orifices is not a hot post-sex vibe.
Speaking of washing the towel, do this every single time you use it. Every time. If you’re having so much sex that you can’t possibly imagine doing a load of laundry between every load you blow, then buy more than one sex towel. Under no circumstances are you to reuse the sex towel before it’s been washed. Yes, even if you’re just sleeping with one partner.
Sex with you should be like staying in a three to five star hotel, not making do at a seedy motel. Fresh towels are always provided.
Keep it handy
You know what they say: a sex towel in the bedroom is worth two in the linen closet. OK, I made that up, but if you don’t have the towel handy, you completely undo any of the goodwill you may have earned from owning said sex towel. So keep the towel somewhere in your room; this is especially important if you live with other people or have guests over who may stumble upon a clean sex towel and use it!
And don’t worry – it’s not weird or presumptive to have a towel ready to go. It’s thoughtful and prepared, like having lube or a condom or anything else that suggests that you’re an adult who knows how sex works. Just make sure it’s clean.