… Be a good ex
It’s not quite the same as staying friends, and it’s not for everyone
when Ariana grande’s “Thank u, next” hit The Airwaves About A
year Ago, it felt like a break in ex protocol. Rather than wallowing in soul-crushing postbreakup sadness or fiery rage, it became trendy to think fondly of a failed relationship, to celebrate your ex, not because you want to get back together, but because you recognise that they were once an important part of your life.
And, with the planet melting, maybe now isn’t the time to harbour grudges against our former flames. Maybe now is the time to show each other some appreciation. But while we know reflexively what constitutes a bad ex, the definition of a “good ex” is way more nebulous.
As someone who’s not personally spectacular at breakup aftermath and could stand to learn a thing or two, I talked to a couple dozen people about what distinguishes the good exes from the bad exes, and how to nail the art of staying friendly-ish with your past flames.
1. the RIGHT amount of contact will vary situationally
All good exes leave the past behind, but some people take that expression literally, preferring to largely refrain from any kind of direct contact after a breakup.
But you might also have one of those unicorn ex situations, where you’re able to turn a past relationship into genuine friendship. I talked to one woman, Jesse, who became both roommates and best friends with an ex. They’d met on Tinder, dated for a couple of winter months before Jesse broke it off, and later that summer, she reached back out. ‘I said something like, “I would love to hang out, and if you feel like that’s approachable for you, let me know”,’ Jesse told me, recalling how there were naturally built-in boundaries during their first hangout in the form of her ex’s friends. Oneon-one time followed easily, especially after both happened to move to the same neighbourhood and realised their new apartments were in walking distance. By the time tricky roommate situations cropped up for each of them, it had been almost two years since their breakup
– and moving in together seemed like a logical solution between friends.
For most people though, good ex experiences fall somewhere in the middle, in the form of past partners who say happy birthday or recommend you for a job opportunity. In other words, the ideal ex strikes the balance between being present, but not active, in your life. It could arise out of necessity: maybe you guys work together or share a small enough social scene where it’s logistically helpful to make peace.
2. a Good ex Is someone uniquely qualified to call You on
Your Bullshit
Lori Gottlieb, a therapist and author, told me how staying in touch with our most formative exes can actually do us good. ‘If you dated someone right out of uni or in your early/mid 20s, and it didn’t work out, that’s a really interesting time when you’re discovering yourself,’ Gottlieb explained. ‘And that person was with you for that. That person knew you in a way that your future partners won’t know you.’ That is, you can always tell your new boyfriends about your old uni self, but it’ll never be the same as if they’d actually been there on the campus with you, trying (and failing!) to figure out how to be a person in the world.
That perspective not only can keep you grounded during the tough times, but they can also help you out with current and future relationships. After all, your exes are the only ones who know what it’s like to date you. ‘Your friends have never been in an intimate relationship with you, so they don’t know all the stuff that you do,’ Gottlieb pointed out. ‘But your ex does.
And your ex can give you some really good, loving feedback’ – or, as one woman put it to me, call you on your bullshit.
Good exes can even help you hone in on what you’re looking for in your next partner. Sidd, a consultant, told me about a former girlfriend he stays in touch with online. Reminiscing over old Facebook photos that pop up on their timelines is one of their favourite ways to check in. For Sidd, these memories aren’t “wasted.” Instead, they’ve helped him appreciate his past relationship even more. ‘I was just routinely exposed to personal qualities [in her] that I’m increasingly realising are very rare,’ he said, reflecting on his ex. ‘For better or worse, she’s set the standard for future significant others.’