… Be a Professional

What it takes to be a good colleague. (Not much!)

my kids Are now AT The Age where They Actively question The future utility of Things THAT They have To learn

in school. Every kid in recorded history thinks that they invented the ‘When will I ever use algebra in the real world?’ gripe. Discovering that it’s not an original complaint and having it dismissed outright doesn’t stop them from making it, either.

I’ve tried to frame my answer to this question as candidly as possible, telling my children that they go to school to be smart, not just to fit in as cogs in capitalism’s elaborate machinery.

But they only wanna know what’s useful and what isn’t. On a superficial level, this is fair. Kids want to learn, but they want to know that they’re learning something for a reason. So I’m gonna acquiesce to this petty whining for a moment by taking off my Dad Hat and putting on my Life Coach pants so that I can tell you kids out there some genuinely useful shit to carry with you out into the big bad world.

Regardless of whether you attend a school that teaches you liberals arts basics or a technical school that trains you in a specific craft, few schools ever teach you what it means to actually be a professional: to be a dependable and respected member of the workforce.

Want to be like me, a haughty keyboard cowboy who otherwise meekly respects the parameters of good workplace behaviour? Then follow these simple rules, which very much do apply to you:

Be on time

You know who was reportedly never late to meetings? Anthony Bourdain. The rocking-est rock star of the food world, and he was 20 minutes early to everything. Some people are habitually late and want you to accept their lateness as a given, perhaps even as a charming attribute. It’s not. It sucks. Lateness is the hallmark of inconsiderate dickheads trying to look important and openly trying to avoid wasting their own precious time at the expense of yours. Your time is of no importance to shitty late people, who inherently presume that their time is more valuable. This, my friends, is unprofessional.

Don’t Burn BRIDGES Everyone has to work with a dickhead on occasion.

I’m not talking about creeps or corrupt bosses who commit wanton acts of harassment and criminality on the job. By all means, torch those bastards. I’m talking about basic, legal fuckheadery.

It’s only human to want to quit a miserable job in style, walking out the door with double birds hoisted and dragging everyone you hate on social media after the fact. This is a tempting thing to do, but it’ll end up fucking you over in the long run. You never know who you’ll have to work with again, and you never know if a future employer may blanch at the prospect of hiring the author of a “Fuck All Y’all” resignation letter that went viral.

work sober

Take it from a guy who’s gone back to the office after downing a few pints while watching the opening rounds of a sports tournament: working drunk isn’t terribly productive. It’s depressing and shitty, actually. The fact that musical icons wrote and/or performed while less than sober should not encourage you to do likewise. Are you John Belushi? You are not John Belushi. You’re Ed from accounting.

Have standards for Yourself and live up to them

The toughest phase of my professional career was transitioning from being someone who waits to be told what to do to being someone who actively thinks of productive independent projects and endeavours to make them a reality. That takes forever to happen, mostly because bosses yell at you to be a self-starter but often neglect to teach you how, and they fail to give you the resources to do it.

That’s how you end up at a new job dying to make a good impression on everyone but failing to assess what you want out of the job and then working to get it. It’s hard to be self-disciplined in the workforce, because doing what you’re told is easier on your brain and, frankly, school requires so much self-discipline that it can sour you on the practise. In my

20s, all I wanted to do was get out of work and get to the bar. I wasn’t the most professional ad exec.

You need to have your own standards. Noel Gallagher makes a point of writing new songs every day, even when they’re songs that he stole from other people. You gotta have a routine, and you gotta have goals, and you gotta abide by them. They don’t have to be lofty goals. You don’t have to set a deadline to invent the flying car. You just have to have your own expectations and labour to meet them. Do your work for your own sake. And don’t be afraid to ask for help. Having my own goals is how I ended up making bacon gravy one time. That’s a true story. >>