… date someone Who’s sober

Dating culture and bar culture can feel practically synonymous, but they don’t have to be

I didn’t realise it was A date until

midway Through coffee . Kate and I had known each other in university, but I hadn’t seen her in a few years when we ran into each other. We exchanged numbers and agreed to meet up, but I figured she was just being friendly. Wedged into a booth, our conversation flowed easily. When the coffee shop closed Kate suggested we get a drink. ‘I’m actually not drinking right now,’ I told her. First Kate looked confused, then disappointed.

While I’m not sober, in the past few years I’ve considerably cut back on alcohol. Partially at the advice of medical professionals. Partially because sometimes when I drink too much I engage in self-destructive behaviour. Explaining this can be difficult, particularly in a romantic context. Briefly Kate and I considered alternate locations to a bar, but when I awkwardly suggested a second coffee shop she remembered a work thing that needed urgent attending to. We didn’t see each other again.

‘As the trend towards overall wellness continues and people abstain from alcohol for health and personal reasons, it’s possible that you’ll see more sober dating in the future,’ said relationship expert Simone Paget.

But traversing the dating world without alcohol comes with its own set of challenges. The learning curve on sober dating can feel steep, especially if you’ve previously used booze to power through the initial shyness of talking with strangers. That’s why I’ve put together suggestions for dating while sober or dating someone who is. make sure You’re ready to Date

In recovery programmes, you’re not supposed to make major decisions within the first year. Sobriety takes focus. Anything that pulls away from that focus – moving, changing jobs, beginning a new relationship – should be handled with caution.

‘I think that if you’re newly sober it would help to be mindful when dating. Especially early on,’ said comedian Krissy Howard. ‘I definitely tried to replace drugs with people, which just damaged the relationships. You can’t pick up a person like you would a bag of dope and just expect them to make you feel good all the time.’

tell Your Dates about Your sobriety as early as Possible

A few weeks back, I told someone I wasn’t drinking, and in response, they asked if I hated fun. On other occasions when I’ve been dry, people have pushed me to join them, going as far as to order drinks for me, as though my personal choice was an affront to their good time.

Letting people know about your sobriety early can ward off mismatches upfront. That can save everyone involved a lot of time.

‘If anyone spends time with me they usually know about my sobriety in the first couple of minutes,’ said actor Bryce Hodgson. ‘Sometimes when I ask someone to get coffee, I have to explain that it’s a date,’ said Hodgson. ‘If [my sobriety] was a problem for anyone then we weren’t right for each other anyways.”

Being rejected for any reason is difficult, but being rejected because of choices about alcohol has a particular sting. At first it made me feel like a burden, like I had been excluded from a part of society everyone else seems to really enjoy, and it’s taken some heart-to-hearts and serious introspection to reframe my thoughts. ‘I couldn’t date a person that drank like I did,’ said musician Drew Thomson. ‘I didn’t like myself back then, I can’t imagine liking someone else that way.’

Don’t agree to Bar Dates If You aren’t ready to Be In a Bar atmosphere.

These days, a bar is practically the default location for a date. Drinks may be the classic get-to-know-you venture, but with people dating more than ever there’s a need for outings that are more affordable both in terms of time and money. While mood lighting and a hard-to-pronounce wine list can certainly add an ambiance, figuring out whether or not you actually like someone comes down to conversation and chemistry. Suggesting an activity, taking a scenic walk or finally visiting your city’s modern art museum seems awkward at first, but these things lead to better dialogue than asking about someone’s work life.

Putting some thought into the location also shows that the date matters to you. While we’ve been conditioned by years of cynical cartoons and angsty music to think that effort is the antithesis of cool, effort puts you miles above all the other people who simply suggested a meet-up at the local dive. It’s a way to differentiate yourself from the hoards of other people on swipe apps which can go a long way in making a connection.