the topic: sexuality

Mike BOTHA is ATTRACTED To PEOPLES’ MINDS, and during his 49 years has had relationships with men, women, female-to-male transitioners and transgender, hence, he identifies as queer.

But he was brought up practising the Christian faith, which, in his view, only accepts you if you’re a heterosexual. Then, there’s Jamian Heesombaron, who went to a same-sex school that celebrated masculinity and condemned femininity.

The 23-year-old used to be terrified that his classmates would dislike or ostracise him because he had feelings for another boy. Both grappled with their identity and found it difficult to have an open and honest conversation with their families and friends.

Technology has transformed the world into a global village. Today, we have better access to information that explains sexual identities. There’s also been a rise in positive representation of queer people and same-sex couples in the media – they’re no longer subjects of ridicule (although Western media still presents a white narrative when it comes to same-sex couples).

The problem is, the greater society remains ignorant to this information because, for a long time, it’s been the norm to assume everybody is straight.

Call it ignorance or a fear of the unknown, but blatant homophobic slurs and violent attacks aside, micro-aggression exists when seemingly innocent terms are used by people who don’t understand how weighted they are to people who don’t fit the mould. What if you’re struggling with your sexuality but you don’t identify with a stereotype? How do you tell your loved ones what’s going on?

gq: where and when did the conversation take place?

Mike Botha: My dad was cleaning my room, and when he turned over my mattress, he found a [pornographic] magazine. Caring by nature, he left it on my pillow. I told my mom in our living room, which was a mutually safe space. Jamian heesombaron: During a tour to the Edinburgh Festival Fringe when I was in grade 10. I came out to a friend who I’d had a crush on since grade eight.

gq: how did you know you were ready?

JHB: I felt my friend may be on the queer end of the spectrum. I was relying on the fact he was a kindred spirit. Still, I was scared of how he would respond. As much as you think your friends and family will accept and be open, you can never be 100% certain. gq: what did you say? JHB: ‘I’ve got something

I want to get off my chest. I like guys, and I like you.’

MB: I told my mom being queer was a reality I’d been struggling with since I was five years old. At that point, the broader definition I identify with now wasn’t something I felt ready to explain to her. I was gay. I was attracted to guys, and that was it.

gq: how did they react?

MB: My mom’s reaction was as I expected. She’s the matriarch of the family and a staunch Christian. Afterwards, she would act sullen or snipe at me. My response was always, ‘This is who I am. You either accept me or you don’t.’ I used to live abroad a lot, and I was working in London when I met a guy from Mauritius. When I was 30, he came home with me to celebrate Christmas at my parents’ holiday home. My mom said, ‘It’s Christmas, and everybody’s coming.

He’ll have to sleep in your room.’ At that moment, I realised she’d become OK with it.

gq: how did you feel afterwards?

JHB: I wasn’t afraid to tell other close friends and family. It’s huge if your first conversation is positive, because then you can be open with other people. If you’re rejected or told you’re an abomination, it’s incredibly difficult to be yourself.

gq: what’s your advice to others who want to come out? JHB: Ensure your safety first. Think about how your friends and family feel about sexuality. Who’ll support you if the conversation doesn’t go as planned?

MB: Remember: it took you a long time to come to terms with who you are, so when you tell people, you also need to give them time. Deliver the news piecemeal, as opposed to taking out an advertisement in the newspaper. In addition, you’re not responsible for other peoples’ shock or concern. All you can do is assure them you’re still the same person: a son, a brother, a friend. It’s up to them to decide what to do with what you’ve told them. With time, people will accept you. »

‘It took you a long time to come to terms with who you are, so when you tell people, you also need to give them time’