How to (safely) date a co-worker

Mixing work and romance is a tricky business

Jim and Pam. Leslie and Ben. mulder and scully. mindy and danny. meredith and derek – actually, pretty much everyone on every Shondaland show. A lot of TV’S most beloved couples met in the office, even if, in reality, workplace romances are still somewhat taboo. According to one survey, around 17.5% of couples met at work, beating out social media and online dating combined. Since proximity is the single biggest predictor of falling in love with someone, and we spend more than a third of our waking life in the office, it’s not surprising that some co-workers catch feelings for each other.

One reason dating a co-worker appeals to a lot of folks is that you often have the same interests and social circles. A civil engineer doesn’t have to spend time explaining to someone like me what a “plasticity truss model” is if they just date another civil engineer.

Now, office romances don’t spring up exclusively as a result of common interests. A lot of adults are simply meeting most of the new people in their lives at work, so naturally colleagues become part of the dating pool. Short of marriage, four in ten people report having dated a co-worker before, and 17% say they’ve done it at least twice.

Many companies have formalised rules about dating people within your actual workplace, and in general, HR policies are getting stricter in light of #Metoo. Some internal policies require you to self-report consensual romantic relationships to HR, although many people decline to actually do so. If you don’t actually work directly with your office boo, it may not be necessary, but if there’s a chance your relationship could be found out later on, it’s probably in your best interest to be upfront about it.

While there’s nothing inherently wrong about sleeping with a person who works with you, there’s potential for things to get sloppy. Sleeping with your subordinate or superior at work is always inappropriate at the very best, and abusive at worst. In fact, this is really the golden rule of dating co-workers: date people on your own level. Bonus points if you sleep with someone outside of your department. Distance makes the heart grow less complicated.

Even the healthiest intra-office relationships – where everything is above board and there’s no questionable power dynamics at play – can struggle under the weight of office politics.

One study showed that most employees frown upon co-worker hookups, and that the brunt of their negative perception falls on women involved. Much like the idea of living with a couple, a big part of the discomfort around co-workers dating is the fear that should shit hit the fan, you – an innocent bystander – might get dragged into their drama.

In general, you’ll need to be careful how much information about your relationship you share with your co-workers – even your buds. While you might be used to spilling details of your sex life during happy hour, that is No Longer Appropriate At All because those people still have to work with your partner. Unless you’ve explicitly told your co-workers, no one at work should be able to tell that you two are dating while you’re on the clock. Don’t flirt at work, especially on any companymonitored messaging systems, and obviously any form of PDA is a no-go too. And definitely, definitely, don’t involve others in the ups and downs of your relationship, which has the potential to harm their standing within the company. Even though it might be tempting to sneak off to the copy room, wait to canoodle until 5pm like everyone else.

‘one reason dating a co-worker appeals to a lot of folks is that you often have the same interests and social circles’