34WORDS AND PHRASES THAT NO ONE SHOULD EVER USE

1 ‘For the gram’ You’re allowed to use Instagram, but you’re not allowed to “Phraseify” it.

‘phraseify’ Only an idiot would use this clearly made-up word.

3 ‘OMG’ You’re not a child, so stop talking like one.

4 ‘Mate’ When addressing a colleague, this is nakedly disingenuous, manipulative conviviality. 5 ‘It is what it is’ The posh “whatevs”. 6 ‘Can I get a...’ You sound both entitled and pathetically impressed by American TV shows. 7 ‘Exsqueeze me’ Really? Wayne’s World? Really? 8 ‘Stan’ “We stan hard,” tweets the Beyhive, missing the irony of Eminem’s original point in “Stan”: that it’s not healthy to be an obsessive fan. If you really “stan” someone, you would chuck them in the boot of your car and hit the highway while chugging a bottle of vodka.

‘on annual leave’ You haven’t returned to your family after a tour of Afghanistan. You’ve gone to Plett for a week. It’s a holiday. Call it what it is.

10 ‘Learnings’ It’s “lessons” for God’s sake.

‘I’m not sure I have the bandwidth for...’ You mean “time”. You’re not sure you have the time. You’re not an AM radio or a dial-up internet connection.

12 ‘u ok hun?’ So you’ve tweeted this at a politician. Newsflash: you can’t patronise someone who doesn’t know you exist.

13 ‘THIS’ As in, “This tweet is correct, but not just correct: profoundly true, morally righteous, this tweet will change your life if you only click on it, you feeble, simple mortal human.” Please: go away. That. 14

‘WITH ALL DUE RESPECT’ Prepare to hear something containing absolutely no respect whatsoever. 15 ‘SO RANDOM’ Congratulations. You sound like a 16-year-old. 16 ‘TUMMY OR ‘WILLY’ Creepy if you’re over the age of 12. 17 ‘I’M GOOD’ Not at speaking English, though. 18 ‘BREWSKI’ Get out. 19 ‘THANKS IN ADVANCE’ Bit presumptuous, no? 20 ‘THE BIG SMOKE’ It’s not 1865. Just call it London. The same goes for “The Big Apple” or “San Fran”. 21 ‘ACTION THAT’ I think you mean “Do That.” 22 ‘Small-batch’ and ‘micro’ anything You’re not an artisan. You’re a chap with a man bun who makes beer that tastes like grapefruit juice. 23 ‘Nice to e-meet you’ The fastest way e-lose any e-respect your email’s recipient might have e-had for you. 24 ‘I’m off on my holibobs...’ Please don’t come back. ‘And so, moving forward...’ Was there another direction you had in mind? If you’ve figured something out that the rest of us haven’t, we’re all ears. 26 ‘CURATED’ Unless you’re talking about an exhibition, there is no context in which this should be heard. Ever. 27 ‘CIRCLE BACK’ Stop pestering me. 28 ‘FEARLESS’ Unless you’re actually in combat, this is meaningless and actually rather offensive. 29 ‘ADULTING’ What do you want, a gold star because you did your tax return? 30 ‘Yeah/no’ People who acknowledge your question and then immediately say they’re not interested. Can’t you simply make up your mind? 31 ‘Thread 1/ [insert end number here]’ Wasn’t the original point of Twitter to keep things pithy and succinct? If you’re regularly writing 30-tweet screeds, you’re a) probably using the wrong platform and b) absolutely insufferable. ‘I feel like...’ The millennial, nonconfrontational alternative to “I think”. It’s OK to think. You should try it. 33 ‘It’s really wearable’ It’s an item of clothing. That’s the point. 34 ‘Blessed’ Oh, shut up.