The financial pain of breaking up
Breaking up is hard to do, and expensive as hell to pay for
THOUGH COUPLES ARE WAITING LONGER TO TIE
THE KNOT , they’re still moving in together at about the same point (around the two-year mark) in their relationship. at means there’s a whole bunch of people who are unmarried and cohabitating — much to my grandmother’s horror. is new waiting period has le those who leave before making things legally o cial in a tight spot. Marriage, outdated as it may feel — R80 000 for a party (excluding lobola) in this economy? — is basically a package of legal protections and nancial failsafes should you ever split from your beloved.
Without a legal divorce, splitting up can be risky, and as a result, some people are taking matters into their own hands by asking their exes to help out with breakupinduced expenses. (Or just staying together because they can’t a ord a new couch.)
To add to that, more of us are drowning in debt, and fewer young people own their own homes. at means that when they move out, they’re o en breaking leases until they nd someone else to move in. But those aren’t the only money concerns when you break up with someone. Alicia Mcelhaney, founder of She Spends, explains, ‘It’s not just breaking a lease or a bond. Packing your stu up and nding a new place all adds up quite quickly.’ Additionally, Mcelhaney adds, ‘An ex might feel a bit spiteful and refuse to pay for things they promised to pay for.’
is all makes breaking up even more painful and expensive.
But in our modern times, it’s possible to ask an ex for money without ever having to see them face to face. Online banking and ewallets have eliminated all the work, and some of the awkwardness, from asking your ex to pay couch support. e ease of dealing with money electronically, however, means that the requests can get a bit...out there, but maybe it’s more acceptable to ask for larger amounts of money if there was an agreement or a contract.
Mcelhaney says: ‘If they owe you money for a bond, and they leave that contract, I think it’s reasonable for you to ask for [their share of] that money.’
Why the breakup happened matters too. ‘ ere’s more leeway if the other person wronged you or le without warning.’
Chris Moedjio, 37, says that he knew he needed to break up with an ex of his, but they were scheduled to go on a trip. ‘Minutes a er I dumped him, he asked for his money back. [I] considered keeping it, but felt awful.’ He paid his ex back, and says he doesn’t regret it. Another woman, Julia, went collecting when her ex cheated on her. ‘I found out a er I’d already bought his birthday present. I made him pay me back and I enjoyed the hotel and concert with my best friend.’
Some exes are just plain petty. A 36-year-old woman says her ex claims she owed him money for “lost time” a er she ended their engagement. ‘I gave him money and so did my parents, [but] he asked for more to “make amends”. He even asked me to ask a wealthy ex of mine for a loan.’
Gaby Dunn, author of the book Bad With Money (R314, exclusivebooks.co.za), points out that asking an ex for money during the breakup fallout is o en the rst honest conversation a couple has about nances. Mcelhaney adds, ‘Most of our parents taught us that talking about money is impolite, so we have this notion that talking about it will be a turn-o .’ Hence, breakups tend to create money resentments and we feel like getting money might be a concrete sign that we actually came out on top.
But there’s a lot you can do to protect yourself from the expensive shock of a breakup, according to Mcelhaney. At She Spends, they call it a Fuck O Fund, an amount of money you put away for emergencies. Not only that, but Mcelhaney urges folks to put their name on any contract to make it much easier if you need to leave.
Whether you ask your ex for money or reimbursement for the espresso machine they made you split with them, just don’t make your ewallet request the rst honest money discussion you two have.
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