Talking to teenage boys about sex

Peggy Orenstein has spent years asking teens what they think about sex. Now the author wants more adults to talk to teens about masculinity and #Metoo — even if it leads to awkward conversations

FOR 25 YEARS, JOURNALIST PEGGY ORENSTEIN HAS BEEN DOCUMENTING AND DISSECTING THE INNER LIVES OF TEENAGE GIRLS

exploring why some struggle with confidence or cling to secret Disney fantasies. But with the #Metoo movement shining an overdue light on sexual assault, she’s focusing on another urgent subject: the sex lives of teenage boys, and the lessons they’re learning (or not learning) about how to be a man.

Orenstein talks to teens, compiles their stories to share with the world and provides the rest of us with a nuanced look at all aspects of their lives. For the follow-up to her 2016 book,

Girls & Sex (R322, loot. co.za), she asked more than 100 guys between the ages of 16 and 22 about intimacy, masculinity and consent.

The result, Boys & Sex (R541, exclusivebooks.co.za), is a stunning portrait of young men in quiet crisis and the dilemma of the “man box”. Emotional vulnerability is taboo, and they’re afraid of the ridicule should they acknowledge it.

Here, she talks about the importance of open conversations, porn and intimacy and more.

GQ: The boys in your book were so honest. How did you approach them? Peggy Orenstein:

I learnt with Girls & Sex, talking to kids about intimate, personal stuff for years. It’s about being open and giving them space to explore themselves without criticism. A lot of the boys talked about how it was like therapy. They’d never told anybody any of these things before, and they’re afraid to talk to one another.

GQ: Your book guides parents who want to raise better men. But how can adults unlearn their own unhealthy lessons about sex and masculinity?

PO: Remember, you don’t have to be perfect or have all the answers. Just take the leap. Talking about mutually gratifying relationships, the media or porn is really important because if you went through puberty after 2007, it was a different porn world. Boys need to hear that what they’re looking at isn’t reality. If we don’t talk to our kids, the media will.

GQ: You say in the book that women often end up processing men’s emotions because it’s “emasculating”.

PO: When I talked to girls, they’d say part of the reason they prefer hooking up was that they didn’t want to take care of a boyfriend.

If we don’t teach boys how to name and process their emotions rather than having their moms do it for them, it’s reinforcing that idea that women only exist for emotional labour.

GQ: You also say that heavy porn use can encourage that disconnect for teens.

PO: Curiosity about sex is natural. Masturbation, go for it. There are all kinds of different porn, but all of that is behind a paywall. Post-2007, Pornhub went online and dropped that. Now you can see anything on your smartphone, 24/7.

Easily accessible porn portrays sex as something men do to women and female pleasure as something for the male gaze. A lot of guys say, ‘I know the difference between reality and fantasy.’ But that’s not what studies on how media works on people say – boys who watch porn tend to believe it reflects reality, and are more likely to act it out.

GQ: But there’s also an intrinsic feedback loop that can make objectionable porn seem more desirable than actual intimacy?

PO: Sometimes, something that’s simultaneously taboo and sexual can create tension. Embedded in the message, “Don’t be aroused by this really gross scatological thing”, is, “Be aroused by this gross scatological thing”. It’s important to not demonise or shame teens but to help them differentiate between what’s arousing and what’s actually desired and pleasurable. These are 13-year-olds. It’s confusing for them to be super aroused by weird shit. How could they possibly know it’s not real? They haven’t even kissed anybody yet. Fathers or older brothers need to talk to them about what porn is and what porn isn’t. It’s setting them up not only for lousy relationships and bad sex but potentially engaging in misconduct that they think is normal.

GQ: So man up, men.

PO: Talk to the boys.