How to make life-changing decisions with your partner

Whether it’s moving across the country or just moving in together, coronavirus might mean big life changes

Coronavirus Has made even seemingly small decisions feel agonising. How many bags of rocket should I buy so that I can eat some vegetables, but so that they don’t all go bad? Are my best friend and I really going to be able to stay two metres apart if we have Jägerbombs? But on top of the day-in, day-out paralysis of choice, where even doing your best can have dire consequences, we’re also making big life decisions as well. Couples right now are facing decisions about child care, career changes, job loss, financial hardships, relocation, parental care, having children, moving in together on a wonky timeline, and forcing all kinds of other conversations. These decisions are already difficult in the best of circumstances, without having to deal with the uncertainty and stress of the pandemic.

I talked to couples who’ve had to make hard decisions about what it’s like right now to try to plan for such an uncertain future. Of the couples I spoke with, almost all said that the decision-making process ultimately brought them closer together; many felt like they had to make a choice under pressure and that they were therefore basically forced to act as a team. It’s certainly possible to come out of a major life decision talk feeling more connected and in sync, but it requires empathetic and careful communication. I spoke with couples therapist Irina Firstein and professor of psychology Kelly Campbell, about how people can face these decisions together and come out unscathed, if not stronger.

Listen. As Firstein put it, ‘What usually happens is that people are listening, but really they can’t wait for the other person to stop moving their lips so they can start talking.’ That habit doesn’t just hurt your partner, it’s going to increase conflict if you aren’t taking in what your partner’s saying. Also, consider the power dynamic. Dr Campbell noted that it’s important to be cognisant of macro power dynamics within a relationship when you’re dealing with conflict.

If, for example, you’re a man in a heterosexual relationship, you might have more power on a macro level because of finances and socialisation. It’s particularly important for people with more socialised power on a macro level – whether that be from gender, sexuality, race, ability, citizenship, or otherwise – keep that in mind when making joint decisions. Make sure that you’re hearing what your partner’s fears and concerns are and that you’re not assuming that things will go the same way for them that they might for you.

Watch for warning signs

Much of the leading research on marriage and relationships comes from The Gottman Institute, which has identified what they call The Four Horsemen – signs that your relationship is in deep trouble.

The four horsemen are, in order, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. If you start to identify any of these behaviours as patterns you or your partner has in response to conflict, you must address them with the help of a therapist, or on your own.

Fight individualism

The Western world tends to focus on individualism heartily. That can work against couples for fairly obvious reasons. If you enter the conflict at hand considering opposing interests and goals rather than approaching as a team, the outcome is more likely to cause a breakdown in the future. Dr Campbell encourages people to ask ‘What’s best for the relationship?’ rather than ‘What’s best for me?’

Change your perspective to avoid resentment

Both Firstein and Dr Campbell mentioned trying to reframe some of the difficult albeit necessary sacrifices that partners are going to have to make. The person who feels like they’re giving something up or who might think they ‘lost’ something can become resentful. Firstein tells her clients, ‘Instead, feel good that you’re the strong one in the relationship because you can tolerate better than the other person not having your way. Not every life decision is going to be permanent.’

Don’t forget that this isn’t normal

Dr Campbell reiterated that it’s important to remember that what’s happening now is not your relationship at its most healthy and stable, and the pandemic isn’t going to last forever. She cautions people against doing things like splitting up right now if things were good before the pandemic. She says she’s seen couples say, ‘Oh, now that I have so much access to my partner I see we’re not meant to be together.’ Well, you two weren’t always co-working in the dining room for 40 hours a week, remember? At the same time, decisions made in the current situation can lead to problems down the road. ‘For example, there’s the risk of what we call “sliding” – when partners move in for more practical reasons that aren’t really based on what stage of the relationship they’re in. But then they’re actually not meant for each other over the long term. They moved in together for financial benefit, and now they don’t separate or break up ever, and they’re unhappy and stuck.’ So be sure to re-assess any big decisions when we’re – knock on wood – on the other side of this. Above all, remember you’re making choices under extreme circumstances. If there were one simple, cheap, good, and obvious choice you would’ve made it. For now, talk to your partner early, and often, about big choices, and make an effort to listen to each other.