How to make your partner come (hint: ditch your ego)

Fight the orgasm gap

THE country is slowly opening back up, but with social-distancing rules still in place, we’re still in the middle of a national crisis of boredom. The intrepid among us are using this as an opportunity to better themselves: I’ve seen friends embark on pull-up challenges, redecorate their space, enrol in virtual pasta-making classes. I even have a friend learning Welsh. And that’s wonderful – especially the pasta-making. But I’d like to urge you to add one more self-improvement project to your list: making your partner come.

You might be operating under the assumption that you’re doing a good enough job at getting your partner across the finish line – and hey, you might be right – but there’s always room for improvement. According to Dr Laurie Mintz, a psychologist, sex therapist and author of the book Becoming Cliterate, most men orgasm pretty reliably during sex, but in cis straight couples, the same doesn’t always hold true for women. In fact, according to a 2017 study, 95% of heterosexual men said they usually or always orgasmed, but only 65% of heterosexual women could say the same. Meanwhile, 86% of lesbians said they usually or always orgasmed. Not to be rude, straight men of the world, but the data indicate it’s time to step it up! (Accordingly, the rest of this article will deal primarily with cis straight sex, though Dr Mintz had plenty of universal wisdom to offer.)

Given Dr Mintz’s extensive research about the orgasm gap, I talked to her about why it exists and what you can do to support your partner so they can come as reliably as you do. Paradoxically, this might mean taking pressure off the whole thing entirely – you shouldn’t be rushing to get your partner off just so you’re free to chase your orgasm. Pleasurable sex isn’t all about the destination; it’s about the fun times you have. Your dick isn’t the answer Look, dicks are great; not enough body parts can be helicoptered around for comedic effect. But despite our cultural focus on the penis as the centrepiece of sex, yours is not the solution here. Sorry to break it to you.

As part of her research, Dr Mintz asks women, ‘What is your most reliable route to orgasm?’ and only four per cent say PIV intercourse (a.k.a. just putting a penis inside a vagina) alone.

Not only that but when women masturbate – which should be a pretty good indicator of how they like to orgasm – only about one per cent of women say they masturbate by exclusively putting something in their vagina, according to Dr Mintz. ‘We know how to come when we’re alone,’ she says. ‘Yet with men, we think, we should orgasm differently.’

While dick-centric sex activities will certainly make you come, shift the focus when it comes to your partner. ‘We need to have men truly come to understand that their penis isn’t the key to their women’s pleasure – their hands, their tongues, their comfort with a vibrator are,’ says Dr Mintz.

Ease up on the throttle. According to Dr Mintz, men have received way too much messaging – probably from porn and every lose-your-virginity comedy that came out in the early 2000s – that thrusting hard and lasting longer is the key to making their partner come. Folks, that’s like putting all the ingredients in a mixer and expecting it to deliver you baked biscuits.

In fact, according to Dr Mintz, ‘The great irony is a lot of women are experiencing sexual pain, not just lack of pleasure, because of this myth. That’s not all that comfortable for a lot of women.’

That’s right; shoving your massive schlong into someone’s cervix doesn’t feel nice for most people, despite how hot it is to watch on Youporn. According to one survey, 30% of women experienced pain during their most recent time having sex. Based on a 2012 study, almost half of the women who reported experiencing pain during sex said nothing and continued having sex, so you might not even be aware that your partner’s feeling discomfort. Instead, the focus should be on clitoral stimulation, either with your hands, your tongue or a toy.

If you’re at all confused about how to use your tongue or fingers to make a woman come, consider reading the work of genius She

Comes First by Ian Kerner. The advice is practical and hands-on – he will walk you through every step of the way, with things like the Jackson Pollock lick and the Elvis Presley snarl.

Or ask for directions.

When I asked Dr Mintz how men can get better at clitoral stimulation, her number-one recommendation was: ‘Ask! Ask the woman. How do you like to be touched? Is this feeling good? What makes you orgasm best? What kind of touch do you like? Do you have a vibrator? Would you like me to use it? Ask. Ask, ask.’ I know asking for directions sucks, men, but imagine all the orgasms.

But don’t add pressure.

It is not a directive about best practices for fingering someone, but rather a general note. While helping your partner orgasm is the goal here, putting too much hyper-focus on that crescendo will kill the vibe every time. ‘If you’re sitting there, like, “Am I gonna come? Am I gonna come? Am I gonna come?,” you’re not gonna come,’ Dr Mintz says. ‘Even though orgasm is the pinnacle of sex, trying to have one is going to ruin sex.’

Focus on pleasure instead of pressure.

One way to do this is to move more slowly and to take your time with every step, actually enjoying how it feels rather than acting as if it’s a simple means to getting her wet so that you can start thrusting. Instead of asking, ‘Did you come?’ or ‘Are you about to come?’ ask ‘What do you want me to do?’ or ‘What would feel good now?’ Also, and I hope this is obvious, you shouldn’t stop having sex simply because you had an orgasm, but you also don’t need to keep pushing her to chase hers either. Recognise that sometimes people don’t come

– it’s not necessarily about you. The sex leading up to that point should be so good that the orgasm is the cherry on top, not the whole sundae.

Take turns.

Another myth that needs dispelling? That you and your partner are going to come together at the same time from the same sexual act. It’s unlikely that you two are going to have a simultaneous orgasm while you’re inside of her with no clitoral stimulation; the odds aren’t in your favour. Dr Mintz suggests that heterosexual couples adopt the turn-taking model that’s more common among lesbian couples. Start by going down on her or using a vibrator and getting her off that way and then start having intercourse, for example. ‘We have to stop thinking that intercourse is the most important sexual act and give equal weight and importance to other sexual acts,’ she says.

There’s no rule that sex is over as soon as one person comes, so get more comfortable with doing a lot of things that build for both of you, such as kissing, taking a shower, or watching porn together – whatever gets you both in the mood. Then transition into focussing on the individual. You can even direct this a bit if it’s not your usual routine. Tell your partner to lay back and that you’re going to focus on them. And then after that, tell them what you’d like them to do. A watched pot never boils, and you both don’t have to be on the brink of coming at the same time.

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