I will not make myself smaller for your comfort
This week’s column starts with something a little more personal than usual. Recently someone felt that they could make a rather hurtful comment about who I am as a person. I expressed a strong opinion about something, and he asked me, “Do you know why you have been single for so long?”
I had not sought this commentary on my life or my relationship status, but he felt moved to tell me about myself. It came from a space of spite, and as a way to make me feel smaller about myself, in essence saying that to be more appealing to men, I needed to be less of myself. That doesn’t sound right.
That incident led me to take a moment to reflect. To consider whether I really wanted to make myself smaller, more acceptable, and less opinionated, all in the hope of finding a partner.
It was a hurtful exchange, and it made me angry.
To think that this person was, in essence, telling me that for women to be attractive to men, they needed to make men feel comfortable by not voicing their opinions, not being ‘too much,’ and silencing themselves.
Women face discrimination daily, whether people comment on their clothing, weight, or how they should look. People feel entitled to make comments about women being opinionated, not knowing enough or making them feel that they are not good enough. Many women face discrimination in the workplace, and inside and outside of the workplace, they are at risk of sexual harassment and sexual violence.
As women, what can we do about it? We can call people out on their bad behaviour, and if we have the energy and the means, we can stand together and resist being treated this way. We can reflect on our experiences and share these with others to show that we are not alone. We can educate ourselves and understand what supporting mechanisms and organisations exist to protect us.
I know that the interaction says more about the man in question and how society treats women than it does about who I am as a person. But it still hurt. I need to actively remind myself that the right partner is out there for me, and he would not ask me to be less of myself but rather encourage me to be more of myself, as I would him.
We need to remember that everyone around us is going through something, and the best and most authentic thing to do is to treat everyone with kindness and compassion.
Women face discrimination daily, whether people comment on their clothing, weight, or how they should look. People feel entitled to make comments about women being opinionated, not knowing enough or making them feel that they are not good enough. Many women face discrimination in the workplace, and inside and outside of the workplace, they are at risk of sexual harassment and sexual violence.