Emergency gifts: Left it till the last minute, have you?
Are you as tired of being disgusted with yourself at this time of the year for not seeing to it that all the people you love and hate have been seen to in terms of Xmas presents? Overwhelmed with a sense of selfloathing when "that look" emanates from victims of your pathetic attempts at gifting another soap-on-a-rope, vanity case, socks, perfume or necktie? Angry with yourself for postponing till the last minute? Well here are a few tips for emergency gifts the prices of which won't make you resent the recipients for life.
Breaking stupid
When all else fails, lunge headlong into stupid. I was once given a legitimately signed cheque for R100 000 000 000 000. I got them back the next year with 14 large sacks of potatoes. It beats a terrible present that proves you put no thought into the project, hands down any day.
MEN
Ride-alongs: Most men, the easily amusable creatures that they are, are still fascinated with gadgets, especially for cars. And these days all sorts of affordable types are available, which men like to believe make them look clever. There's a dashboard thingy that shows tyre pressure and a cool retro orb splattered with indecipherable numerals and measurements that show you in which direction you're travelling. There's a rubber windscreen stick-on with slits for business cards and a bubbly backrest that massages while your drive. Sharp, sharp bru: The bulk of men, although many might not admit it, love knives. It might stem from the collective unconscious archetypal hunter habit or simply a more recent memory (it's a special moment when your dad hands you down your grandad's pocket knife or you flick open that first Swiss army knife). And contrary to popular belief, size doesn't count. Even with a small one, you can't go wrong.
It's ok to look good kit: One of those things men loathe to go out and get themselves but secretly want.
And thus perfect if you are the one that can be blamed for the dubious deed. More and more women expect men to pitch up for a date without forests coming out their ears or nose hair flowing unsurreptitiously into their moustaches/beards. Only spent losers don't trim eyebrows or pluck the excess grey from their temples.
WOMEN
Little black number: Yes, most women already have one or two or 20 but there's always room for more. It will take some careful research and entails consulting one of her friends that will not tell, but get the size that compromises most suitably between comfortable and appealing.
Up and away: Girls, they say, just want to have fun so a surprise lunch at a fine, usually unaffordable, restaurant or weekend away off the beaten track that smacks of romance will do wonders. But going up is always better than the other way around so if you enhance this concept to include a helicopter flip, a picnic adrift in a hot-air balloon, or a surprise dinner for two on a rooftop, you cannot go wrong.
Time to curl up with one: There's something just not right about curling up by the fireside with an iPad, and being infinitely more intuitive than other species, women know this. Peruse reputable books pages and find that hefty tome so that the well-thumbed version can be placed on the rack with all the other literary trophies when you return from holiday and everyone has to start talking to one another again.